Pardon me as I burn

I haven't been writing. Every time I try, I come up with terrible sentences. My ideas are all jambeled. My words are just loosely strung together in a line. Continuity was written about three years ago, I just finally had the urge to post it. Reviewing it I realize it's terrible. There's so much I could fix but I haven't. The only thing holding me back is fear of writi something worse.
Well this is just an update. Just letting anyone and everyone know that his human is running out of juice.
-ChesterYaYa

I learned to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.
-Theodore Issac Rubin

The Walking Dead

You don't get to do that, to to come into somebody's life. Make them care and then just check out.

 -Dale

Realizations of the Day:

1. I am a terrible writer.
2. I love you so much I am going to wake up early today so you can abduct me :)
3. Clonazepam for the win.

Heed Your Words

People have got to stop calling me the smart one in the family. I really am not. Take a look at my grades and you'll see.
Need to start looking at other majors, continuing with mine seems.......like a waste.

House of Leaves

Myth makes Echo the subject of longing and desire. Physics makes echo the subject of distance and design. Where emotion and reason are concerned both are accurate. And where there is no Echo there is no description of space or love. There is only silence.

-Mark Z. Danielewski

Dear Santa and all his elves,

I want hugs and lots of love.
However shampoo and underwear would be nice. A hippogriff as well.
If you could manage to get me a piggy that'd be fantastic BUT if you can't then hugs will do. :)


Love,
ChesterYaYa :)

Continuity

                   The rain was pouring down, soaking everything in its path. Nothing was safe, but me. I was inside. I was protected. I was sheltered. Nothing could hurt me.

            Confined in the classroom I watched. Watched the teacher. Listening, eager to learn. My small pale hands in front of me, my head resting on the desk. My signature pose.

            It was story time. My favorite time. Time to fill my naïve mind with cuentos de hadas, fairy tales. Happy endings. Weddings. Prince charming. The never ending love story.

            But my happy time was interrupted. Interrupted by the shadow.

            Heavy steps. Big and tall. Couldn’t possibly be the Principal. Who was it? It approached the door and my interest in the story subsided. It didn’t matter. The ending was obvious. The boy was going to be saved and he would live happily ever after. Death was avoidable. It didn’t matter.          

Two knocks.

Mrs. Prunty paused. She walked to the door. Time for the revealing of the shadow. The door opened. The shadow stepped in. It was…my dad?

A sense of anticipation struck me. I was leaving. But why? I didn’t have a clue but I knew what I had to do. Pack up and go with Dad.

Did I have an appointment? Dentist? Doctor? Why was he here?

Words were exchanged. No smiles. Dad always smiled. There was always that twinkle in his eye. That twinkle that let you know that everything was alright. It was gone. This was serious. Then I knew, something was wrong.

Please don’t be mom. Please don’t be mom.
            They walked over to me.

“Anaiz, you’re going home.”

That’s all she said. Nothing more.

Please don’t be mom. Please don’t be mom.

He took my things and we walked home.

Story time was over.

Looking up at his face, I tried to figure it out. Tried to make sense of everything. What happened? Why was I going home?

“Is mom okay?”

“She’s fine…look we have to go to L.A. Something happened…”

“Okay.”

That was it. Nothing more.

I walked behind him, taking big steps. Trying to keep up.

His head was down. He was sad. That couldn’t be. It’s not right. We are the Alegrias. The “Happies.” We can’t be sad.

The walk home wasn’t long but the silence killed.

Home wasn’t home.

Entering the house I could feel the tension, that negative tension. Mom was home, so was Adam. She was on the couch, head drooping being consoled by Adam. I don’t get it. What’s going on?!?!

“Ya llego. Anaiz ven, come sit down.” I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to hear my mother’s words.  I was afraid. I didn’t want to know…but the words still came.

“Anaiz, nos vamos a ir a Los Ángeles. Tu abuelita está muy enferma y parece que Diosito se la llevo. Está en el cielo con tu abuelito Pancho.”

A thousand emotions rushed through me and I was left with only one. I was numb. I didn’t understand. Was I supposed to cry? Laugh? Get angry? I didn’t get it. How was an eight year old supposed to react after hearing that their grandma was dead? What was I supposed to do?

The drive to L.A. was awkward. Quiet and strange. We all refrained from saying anything. Refrained from touching the silence, as if it were sacred.

Pulling up to the driveway I could see that everyone was already there. We were the last ones to come.

 I didn’t want to enter the house.  From my perspective it looked haunting. Dead. Alone. Empty. A perfect place for a séance. Oh the irony. I still didn’t want to go in. But I did.

Everyone was looking at me. It was like walking into a classroom after everyone was told you were the bad guy. Was I the bad guy?

Grandpa was in the other room. He was crying. Crying so hard. I couldn’t believe it.

“She was coughing all night. She went to sleep and around 5:30 am, she stopped coughing. Thinking she didn’t get any sleep during the night, I let her sleep, didn’t wake her. Around 7:30 am I called her, told her to come and drink her coffee. She didn’t reply. That’s when I went to see her and I saw. She was dead. I never imagined she would be dead.”

July 17, 2ooo-Funeral Day

I got in the car and went to pay my respects. I still couldn’t feel anything. No pain. No tears. Still numb. I cried but not for my grandma. I cried for Mom, for Dad, for everyone else. I could feel their sadness. I could feel it.

The church was full. Half of the faces seemed unfamiliar. I didn’t even try to recognize their faces. I just sat. Sat and waited. Sat through the whole thing.

I became a robot. I followed the directions given by the Father. Please stand. I stood. You may now sit down. I sat down.

Then there came the part where I didn’t know what to do.

“Anaiz ven, vamos a decirle adiós a tu Grandma.”

Say goodbye? What? No! That’s not how it goes. This is a game. Death is a game. Right? I was so wrong.

We approached the casket. Something was lying there. It was her. I stopped. I was scared. My mom pulled me along. No. We kneeled before her. No. That’s when I saw. That’s when I finally understood what Dead was. What its meaning meant. It meant gone. Cold. Frozen. Gone...forever.

That’s when reality stepped in.

The makeup didn’t help. So intense. The colors. The reds. The whites. She portrayed the meaning well. Mom was crying.

Then we laid her down to sleep, for eternity. People kept crying after the funeral. I just watched. No longer numb I was petrified. How could a word hold so much meaning? Is death indeed a parenthesis? I was just confused.

Fairy tales no longer existed. They evaporated with the tears. Life as I knew it had no meaning. It seemed as if every day, every moment we were just waiting for that period. Waiting for that period to end the sentence we knew called life. I know I do.

“Seems like everything we knew
Turned out were never even true
Some say we're better off without
Knowing what life is all about
I'm sure they'll never realize the way
It's too late
Somehow it's different everyday
In some ways it never fades away.”

-Sum 41 Some Say

Driving

So I don't have a license. However I do have a permit that expired about....5 years ago.
I really don't like driving. I can't stay alert. It'd be nice if at least I were a good driver but I don't like driving so there is no improvement. It's a vicious cycle. I will improve..eventually. I have to. My Mom needs a chauffeur.

Kid Convo I

Kid: Thank you! :)
Me: For what?!
Kid: For being so cute and adorable :D
Me: Ohh..okie dokie dokes! That is I!
Kid: Yeah bc if you werent then i wouldnt have liked you initially and i wouldnt have downloaded music by the cure and i wouldnt have discovered that i love "just like heaven". :D so thank you!
Me: Jajaaja >_< you're welcome :)
Kid: Youre awesome! This song just puts me in a really good mood. :D
Me: Jaja. Thats not me, that The Cure. Thank them :)
Kid: All of the above. :) bc you usually put me in a good mood too.
Me: That I do, that I do.


:)

Although

I enjoy a good gory film,
although I do appreciate a movie that leads up to an amazing crazy-ass kill.

Christmas Jingles, my way :)

Original: We wish you a merry christmas
My Version: I like my boyfriend

I like R_____ R_____
I like R_____ R_____
he's yummy and scrumptious
and sitting right here
Good tidings to you, I hope you come back.
I like my boyfriend, and I miss him right now


Oh bring me a little piggy.
Oh bring me a little piggy
Oh bring me a little piggy and more miso soup.

I won't go until you kiss me
I won't go until you kiss me
I won't go until you kiss me so kiss me right here

I like R_____ R_____
I like R_____ R_____
I like R_____ R_____ and he makes me happy.


Explanation:
This song began when he came over to see me. He brought me miso soup :)
I am extra strange when sick. Humming the original tune led to this.

Time

When hours feel like days you know something is up.

You make all of our hours together feel like days and every minute without you feels like years.
-muah-

love love kiss kiss blah blah

lips like sugar
lips like morphine
lips none the better
with one intention; to purge

I call this blah blah. I call this kisses. I call it us.

because I have weak eyes

FYI

I just wanted to let you guys all know,
my tummy hurts.

It's going brrrrooooombrrrroooom brrrrrooooom.

Xs and Os

it's called a crush.
a possible road to disaster,
compared to roses and sometimes waves.
it can lift you so high, on a constant buzz
and then tear you down resembling mad children at a piñata party.
but two emotions guaranteed;
a great empty and a great fill
with, you get the great fill
without, you get the great empty.
as long as the great fill may last it never seems long enough.
days, hours, consecutive hours seem to hold so much less.

cherish moments.
each second
each breath hoping that they are followed by millions more.
drink that beer, it only makes kisses more intoxicating
watch them sway, just return
don't stray

kiss&hugs

snipets

Original song is Contagious by Trapt
Now here are the snipets.
Sorry for destroying the song.

You're so contagious.
Running through my veins.
You're so contagious.
Hanging on to every word.

I don't want nobody else.
You keep running through my veins.

in response to the boom boom

It seems dramatic and like I killed someone. In my eyes I felt like I did. I killed a small itty bitty giant. Small enough that he could easily go unnoticed, big enough to cause some ruckus.

And now I disappear into the world found underneath my bed :)

Hmmm

I see pictures of girls with their shirts half torn. Side boob glimpses everywhere. Leggings torn.
I see those layers of dark red lipstick and beautiful smokey eye look and for a second I have to admit I want to start dressing like that daily but then I realize that's alot of tearing.
I'll stick to my lovely dress code :)
It's partly derived from all those looks, just lasts 10x longer.

broken record perhaps?

Look I've done bad things in my life. Really bad things. Things others would regret. Do I? No. The choices I make are who I am. To say I regret doing them would mean I regret being me. And truth be told I don't.

boom boom ba

I drop a bomb. You quiver but remain near.
What radiation I don't absorb from the remains you accept openly.
I fear getting close.
I reek of contamination
a simple touch, breath could destroy
yet you encourage a meeting.
What makes you crazy enough to admire a half withered bud?

seven

December
January
Febuary
March
April
May
June

Seven more months. I can do this.

Psuedo

Me: I'm going to commit suicide!!!!
Psuedo: What?! No?!
Me: Why?
Psuedo: 'Cause they are gonna ask me if you showed signs of suicide and I'm gonna say yeah..
(pause)

Pseudo: She told me.

the boy with the orange socks :)

All those words.

Each phrase uttered never scared me.

None even caused a single tremble down my spine.

But one.

Motel.

Frozen. Resembling a deer about to be smashed by a semi.

Even icicles aren't this still.

Then came the entrance and it all melted away.

Every little worry, every little insignificant rogue train of thought disappeared.

Calm and secure.

Something given which lacked greatly.

Comfort.

Something felt which few can provide.

These words may change in months, weeks or days but one thing is for sure.

Orange is a beautiful color.

To Mr. R :)

I'll think of some witty cute lines to place on here.
They'll be directed at you. Who knows maybe I can get a smile on your face through a screen.
A temporary thing. I'll see you soon.
Until then rest assured you are always on my mind.


And to those who disapprove as a Darko said "Go suck a fuck."

Chevelle :)

Hold onto chance
Lest we bleed ourselves
Then save for the pets
They're the loneliest,

Put into jars
We'll save this Earth
Put into jars
We'll save the Earth

We can't both become the same pawn
That's made to fall
Oil that taste like
Blood stole the summer scent
From me to you
You're stabbing me through you
You're stabbing you through him
And betting most of
This world
We'll add enough of the world

Steal from yourselves
It never felt so good
And fit from their hand's
Confuse by opposites