Converse

So, you're giving up?After so long, you're giving up?
No. I'm not giving up. It's just that you need to go back to her. You need to go back to her and get your heart broken, and when you do, you better hope I'm still around. I know we're good together, fuck that we're great, but you can't realize that yet. Only after all hope of her is shattered you'll start to see me. So go ahead and walk away. I'll let you, but realize this. You better be ready for heartbreak, and maybe, if you're lucky, I'll still be around to pick up the pieces.

missing

There's no grace in your walk.
No bounce.
No flair.
It's just a crash of discordant notes being played by the right person,
but there is no flair.

get there anyway

staring at the changing minutes on the computer screen...
moving papers that have already been fixed...
wiggling a pen, then looking at your phone hoping time has continued and all the same wishing it hasn't...
these moments are fragile,
and if you listen close enough you can hear the tick
and the everlasting scream
shh,
listen.

my novelty

I said you found a place under my skin,
I didn't lie.
I said that some how you found a way inside my brain,
it was the truth;
the cave within me echos your words.
I said that I care, that I think about you quite often and that your presence is the only thing life has graced me with,
once again my words held truth.
But you threw that all away.
My words, my feelings, they were all bits of paper thrown to a flame.
You danced on my grave and spit in my eyes.
And now I have to grow again.
But I am no weed.
A flower that has been hurt can't simply begin to grow.
My petals hurt.
My stamen hurt.
Everything hurts.
I will grow, just not now.
Not now.

"If you knew I was dying, would it change you?"
         -Manchester Orchestra 

Free Write: Damn, Stone Cold

This constant rejection is killing me. It's not like I ever had a huge score. I never had "game". I blame it on my friends being so awesome. I mean seriously, when all your friends are ridiculously cute, smart and talented you basically don't come up to par. I guess you can say that in a way, I'm use to it. It's just that this constant rejection is hurting so much. I know it's the terrible depression episode that had this gigantic kicker but still it hurts. I mean when you're own fuck buddy doesn't want to hold you....yeah.

Oh well,
-ChesterYaYa

I've always wanted to randomly receive flowers...one day.

Although I'm second choice, sometimes I feel like #1.

first loser

your words were venom
your actions were foul trickery
my belief was ignorance

the regret will forever soak in
the impossibility will linger
and I will waste away

first loser
second choice
it will continue
just believe
believe those words because that's the conclusion

and curse the naivety

if and only if

It's far from being enough.
It's the iff problem.
I can't be necessary and sufficient.
I'm the and, that small little pause. That small little break.
Not the conditional part.
Just a part.
Without me you'll be fine.
With me, well, I'm not needed.
Oh philosopher.
I want the iff.

Because I Like M.I.A

4 9 5 3 1

You know, you're just so beau
Stop it! Stop calling me beautiful.
Why?
Because. I'm stupid so I'm gonna think that whatever I'm wearing today is dubbed beautiful and everyday after today is just going to be me measuring up to it. So please, don't call me beautiful or pretty or cute. Just don't.
But, you honestly don't need to measure up to anything. You don't.

Free Write: Let's Go Back

Can we go back to the moment when everything felt fine?
Because right now, this very moment, everything feels like a train-wreck.
Let's go back to last night.

-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: One Mountain Dew, One Rockstar and Two Donuts

Somehow my flu went dormant and finally kicked in this week. It also happened to be the week of the Silverstein concert. My entire body ached. It hurt to swallow anything, warm or cold. If my voice didn't stay at a specific level my throat would hurt. I had a headache and stomach. I was fucked. However I have amazing friends that tried their best to nurse me back to health. So yesterday I went to the concert.

I was nervous because I never had been to a screamo show before. It was at the House of Blues and I only knew one band, Silverstein. I love the House of Blues. Love, love, love that venue. I went. I actually didn't feel as bad, I slept well-ish and drank a decent amount of tea. The ride there was nice. I don't really hangout with these two friends but I definitely care deeply for them. While they talked about things that were relevant to both of them I just kicked it in the back seat, lip-synching to all the Silverstein and other bands that came on. Even though we hit traffic we got there right on time. And I mean, right, on, time. The doors opened at 6:00Pm. We arrived at 5:57 PM. Oh and we got really good, cheap parking. :]

Once we got inside the guys went to go pee. We all had to go pee. As Andrew said, "It's unanimous." I went to get spots as close to the railing as possible. I knew that my friends would be enjoying the show so this time, I was on my own, which meant that the only way I was going to survive a screamo show was to get as close to the railing as possible. There were no spots...well some guys eventually left for some reason so I took their spots :] The first band to come on was I The Breather. I was meh about it. Didn't really move around. I was waiting. However I do admit that their bassist is awesome. His riffs were so cool. Then Texas in July came on and wow. They put on a really, really good show. They had so much energy. They made the crowd go wild. My friends got in the pit. Oh and one of them lost an earing. jeje

Silverstein was next. Yeah, they were awesome. They do a good show. And obviously I was there singing all the lyrics except for the two new songs that are coming out on their new album this month. Even though Texas in July was cool, I only bounced and went crazy for Silverstein. I was waiting. I was waiting for them. But for some reason what I keep thinking about was the end of the night. Once Silverstein was done I got out. I didn't really want to watch August Burns Red, plus I had to pee again. When my friends saw me get out they came too. After another pee break we went to the merch table. I bought this warm, comfy hoodie which I am wearing right now as I type. Of course it's a Silverstein hoodie ;] They each bought a Silverstein shirt and one of them also got a hoodie. We then left. One of my friends is an August Burns Red fan, I felt bad that we didn't stay but leaving totally made up for it. When we exited, BOOM. There are two members of Silverstein and ALL of Texas in July. We first asked the guys from Texas in July if they would mind taking a picture with us. They were so chill! They took the picture with us and two of the members shook our hands. They really were super chill. THEN we attacked the Silverstein members! I got a picture with Josh. He was so nice. Chatted with us for a few seconds. We also took a picture with Paul. That's when I totally went fan girl status. I had asked Josh and the lead singer, Alex, from Texas in July for the picture but I couldn't seem to get the nerve to ask Paul. I just really like his drumming skills. I was too shy. He took a picture with me :] After that we waited around to see if we could see Shane. No luck. We went to a 7/11 nearby, literally next door to the House of Blues and we bought: a rockstar, a mountain dew and two donuts. Yeah :]

There was no traffic. We made it back to Irvine in and hour and 15. Turns out my friend was going pretty fast. It was a good night. Scratch out the going to a lame party and everything of this night was great.

It was good.

-ChesterYaYa

fall into my eyes

Before the anniversaries comes the boredom,
the boredom that turns into dislike which soon can turn into hatred.
But not a strong, fully fledged, hatred.
Just a level one.
Needless to say, it's there.
It's what keeps the romantic getaways from ever appearing,
the "Congratulations on making it another year with them,"
the "I love you so much it hurts," comments,
and even the cute sappy pictures together.
The stupid boredom keeps it all.
It keeps all the potential hidden in a room, where it will never see the rays of care.

Or maybe it's not the boredom.
Could it be fear?
Not close.
It's the boredom. The lack of interest.
The lack of a constant spark.
It's a flame that disappears entirely when the trees dance.

The spark has been there before, but in unwanted eyes.
Eyes that didn't see.
What good are eyes that don't see or sparks that can't make fire?
What a pity.

My Bear

If my vagina were an animal it'd be a bear.

Bears are wild, and free.
People know that you must approach them with caution.
You have to be careful. Certain things can upset a bear.
You can't simply walk up and demand a hug.
But bears, they are also loving and protective.
They know how to love. They know how to fend off unwanted strangers.

My vagina could be a bear.
After all, they are beautiful creatures.
But you must not keep my vagina in a cage, no matter how big the cage.
It deserves to be free, wild. It deserves to be loved and mostly, it deserves to be respected.

Yup, it's totally a bear.