Free Write: Take Two

I stuck around because I thought I could be enough to save them. To make them change and stop doing shit like this,  stop being the way he was. That was stupid.

You're never going to be enough. Never. Wherever you go, whatever intimate, close, romantic relationship you develop you'll never be enough for that other partner. You'll find yourself striving to be better, to be better for them, not for you. Maybe I can make them love me more, maybe I can make them stop maybe, just maybe they will realize that I'm always going to be there for them and they won't have to do this anymore. It won't work. 

You can't fix them. You can't change them. They will continue. You won't be enough. You won't be their reason to change. You'll just be another punching bag for them while you keep adding to the scars already calloused into your brain. It doesn't get better unless you leave and even then the pain will burn through your beautiful nights. It will ruin your chances at finding comfort in your old favorite things. It will find a way to weave into your thoughts. It will surge in and when you're finally feeling adequate you will turn around and find that someone else was enough. Someone else brought them that satisfaction, that peace that they could stop. They got by without you and now it hurts. They moved on. You should too.

-ChesterYaYa

Refresh

How strange, seconds seem to be frozen in this infinite light.
Is it possible? Could it be?
All these seconds lengthened to torment my mind. Such riddles!
So painful.
Perhaps they aren't frozen. But they are!
Look, they don't move. They stand strong and proud. Fearless.
The pale light illuminating my very face seems to last forever. Infinite indeed.
There isn't a way to jump ahead.
Just wait.
Feel the regret, the pain, the disappointment sink in.
This is what happens when waves crash.
Wait. 

Keep Away

Anger. 

It comes in like a raging wave. Destroying it all. The happy moments you had before this precise second are completely forgotten.
blood pumping, heart thunder wriggling with each breath
Try to catch your breath? HA.
TRY. TRY TRY.
Breathe....breathe. No.
Even at that moment, maybe it's the consistent tempo of the heart thunder; maybe it's the lack of breaths, but at that given moment all food consumed just wants to purge itself from your body. 
Give in?
Then the goosebumps set in.
But the images they are there.
Set in stone in the basic synapses of your idiotic brain.
It isn’t a drum. The pounds are endless, you can still hear them, past all the white noise, past the shaking hands, the sweat, the quaking legs, it’s there.
The cold. Some icy hands have pricked your entire body but your acceptance has allowed that hand to remain. Just gradually lingering above you. Caressing you. Those delicate features. 

Acceptance.

Maybe this isn’t wanted. It isn’t. It's needed.
Contemplate the actions. This wasn't a coincidence.
This didn't happen for a reason. Everything preceding this event was perfectly executed to this. Let the icy hand guide. It knows best.