Broken Goodbye

When someone would rather deal with their demons on their own than with you, you know you've fucked up.

It's time to go.
I said I would stay. I want to but now the arms that use to hold me run away.
There isn't any forgiveness.
The hesitation doesn't exist.
Without trust this flower can't bloom. It's not there.

I wanted to wait. I wanted to return to the Happy Mess. I still do.
Yet, this new book has changing characters. Nothing is the same.
The papers have been crumbled and now, try as I may they won't return to their cool, crisp, edges.

It's worked before.
Opening up. Being vulnerable. Letting all the flaws show.
Someone cried. Someone listened.
The key to it working was that the people were reversed.

I'm too soft. I would always forgive and say yes.

Now, it's too different. Too difficult.
My flaws and vulnerability isn't enough.

Keep on, keep moving on.
It will still hurt, letting go always hurts but I must accept that this will never be the same. The Happy Mess won't return anymore.

It all changes when both are neither happy nor in love. It hurts.
You'll get numbers and smiles. You'll get better.

It's time to go. No one wants you to stay.

For the Anx. 

I'll wait to dance with you again. 

Free Write: This Is How It Hurts

I wasn't prepared for something this painful.

I wasn't prepared to lose what I wanted the most.

I can't bare it, the memories are everywhere, the pictures, the presents, the clothing, and I have to let it all go now.

It hurts.

-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: Forever Goodbye

I heard it. I understand. And this is where I really walk away. Not a week, not a month, I get it.

This is forever, goodbye.

-ChesterYaYa

[leave here]

This sentence will end.
One day our sun will die.
There is an end, to everything and everyone.
Biology teaches young children that ends are natural.
Literature teaches us that words may linger but people fade away.
Yet, a young girl can't grasp letting life take it's undeniable course.
She ponders and cries. She waits and flees.
The sweet surrender is an event she hopes to postpone.
She crosses her fingers, chronicles the confusion, and wishes for it to continue.
It: her life, her friendships, the love, the happiness, the peace.
Somewhere in between the sentences, in between the deep breaths, she will find her solution.
There will be a holy grail to every situation that has ever presented itself to her.
There will be a holy grail to make them stay, to make the peace last, to make them live.
Somewhere she will find the solution to her problem and the problem will be no more.

"Ya no puedo seguir resistiendo esa extraña sensación que me hiela la piel como invierno fuera de estación. Tú mirada y la mía ignorándose en una lejanía."

   -El Perdedor 

Free Write: Night Time

It's only been a few days but I can already feel your absence.
I've used the terms "friend" loosely for many years and rarely mean it. Everyone falls asleep early and here I remain, waiting, hoping we can speak again and discuss politics and that new show.
There are only a handful of individuals in my life I can count on. You were one of them.
But I understand, the toxicity we were breeding was killing us.
It's for the best. One day the silence won't frighten me; I'll find solace in myself.

The loneliness won't forever be a foreign discomfort.

-ChesterYaYa