hallmate

Christian: You'd love my cousin.
Me: I would? would he buy me pie?
Christian: Yeah from Burger King.
Me:WWhaaat?!
jajaja

 

he later shunned me :(

selectivity is a bitch

500 letters
10,000 compliments
these words are nothing to you
just annoying glimpse and phrases.
if said by another,
possibly more handsome
then they'd woo you.
but I'm not.
my shoulders aren't wide enough,
my arms not big enough,
my eyes don't have that hint of sea green.
i'm just a kind pauper begging for his queen.

i could be dressed in riches;
have gold oozing from these dreaded veins but that would never be enough.
in your eyes i'd never be that one prince with the blue eyes.
that one stallion with the strength of a god.
as long as i wasn't him
my words
my actions
my love for you would go unnoticed and unattended.
a red rose, wilting to the absence of water.

my eyes will lock onto yours but they will never gaze upon what he sees when looking into your beautiful stars
i am a pauper
a prince forever disguised in clothing you have no interest in

your silence is beautiful

I don't like you.

I really don't.

You see these earphones? I wear them not to listen to music or hear a video. It's to avoid every sound you make, every fake gasp, every thought you just so happened to say out loud.

You see these scars? 

Burn scars. They were ironed onto my body the day I pressed my skin against the burning truck. The sun had scorched the red paint away. You were edging closer and closer to me.

You to my left and the 150 degree metal to my right....and I choose the metal.

I can't stand you. Every time I see you my body's fight or flight reaction takes place. I want to run to that maggot infested meat freezer where the howls of Hades' victims can be heard. I'd much rather hide there.

And when you're not here oh how I adore each echo.

The walls seem to be ten feet taller. The breeze ten degrees cooler. The beats with more rhythm. You honestly don't know how much I love you not being here.

Who knows maybe later I'll regret everything...

but then again...

they say the bottom of the ocean is beautiful.

:) Mr. Vargas

not "cute", not "hot", not "mainstream beauty", you're a different breed of beauty :)

Let's sum it up.
Whenever I'm not talking to you I feel terrible.
In need of your attention.
But as soon as you're there I feel like I'm a nuisance.

Want to know the good thing?
They say it's common in teens.

Want to know what I believe?
It's you, a common side effect

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts."

     -Eminem

I have condoms.
I take pills.
Don't hate.

pretentious shit

This isn't a post about you...

...

but if it were it would read beauty.

New Perspective :)

So......
just came back from visiting my adoptive family in TJ. They are so loving and inspiring. Even though they have taken on my mother and I as another resource to obtain objects, I still find myself liking them. I'm actually growing fond of the damn bastards.
It was so adorable. The little boy, my "cousin" he gave me a balloon. He found it hilarious that he could blow it up and I well couldn't. His name is Jorge.
The older one, he's turning ten this Saturday, is so smart. Mama Lina, his grandma, is hard on him but I understand why. His name is Pedro.
Now the one that gives awesome hugs!! Jaja. Adrian, he's a sweetheart. Have no clue how old he is but he's cool. Plus he has an awesome smile.  Well they all do.
:)
Mama Lina is so naive, it's adorable. She reminds me so much of my blood-grandma.
Her house reeks of their poverty. I seriously want to take all the movie I received from financial aid and fix their house. Then watch it grow into this beautiful home.
It sucks that I won't be able to see them for at least a month. However when I come back I'm going to bring presents. I'll be Santa Anni.

-Chester

:)

http://operationbeautiful.com/

Monologue 1: coming clean

You treat me like a kid because I am a kid. And I'll always be a kid to you.
That isn't going to drastically change one day. It will always be the same.
And....
I act like this because it's easier to hate than to love. Loving someone means that you have to put up with their shit and try to understand them.  Hating someone,..that's that's just different.
You can simply walk away.
Be rude.
Not give two shits.
I've decided.

I hate my ways, I've tried to change.                   I honestly have. I know me being in this position makes it seem like I haven't but I have. I've tried to change but I can't. Over & over & over.
No success.
 
I'm just a scared little kid. I'm scared about 80% of the fucking time.What's going to happen? How do I know this? You know those compulsive crazy thoughts. Terrible things they are.

I'm just so scared.
My place on this earth has brought more bad than good. I mean look I'm holding a fucking knife.
It's not pointed at me. It's pointed at you. At all the bitches in this world.
People remember the bad....and that's what I bring.


And that's why I want to die.

But get this. I'm such a coward I can't even do that. I can't even point this blade at myself. That's why I leave my thoughts to that. I picture my own suicide.  I find comfort in my own death.
Now, let's get this over with. You're starting to squirm.

fighting for nothing

Ive got my words. I hope they hurt you.
I hope they scar you. I hope they heal you.
I hope they cut you open,
make you see youve been warring
for all the wrong reasons.
-Meg & Dia

facebook IM with hubby

3:10am
Anaiz

honey???

mijo?

love?

dear?

EDGAR!!!

He fell asleep on me. Oh I love facebook IM and iChat convos.

camaleón

sonrisa de fuego,
voz de miel.
ay joven me fascina tu piel.
ojos de lluvia
fuerza de dios.
yo te vi desaparecer,

pero aguanta.
dolor mudo,
puños vendados,
después vienen los llantos de perdón

doctor!
doctor!
el miedo que creas.
pero está bien.
me encanta tus labios pefumados de cerveza,
de cerveza y sudor.
me encanta ver la agua circular el desagüe,
me encanta ver el tinte rojo.

me encanta tus labios sabor cerveza.

Dumpster Sex Part2

Just walk away.
No persistence is needed.
I have negated it all.

But you keep coming back.
Spit everywhere.
Just as determined.
But I have said no.
Understand.I don't want this.

Just stop.
Walk away.
Keep you paws away.
They're aren't coming off.
This rag will stay on.

Don't turn me around.
Your eyes fright me.
But they give me hope.
Perhaps the real you will come back.
Unless..this is you.

The wind keeps pushing.
Your hands are cold.
Turn away.
I don't want this.

Dumpster Sex

Recycling bin.
Check.
Smelly dumpster.
Check.
Black gum littering the asphalt.
Check.

Sex by the dumpster.
Forget it.
Your eyes are so needy.
You want me.
You see me;
but you don't.

Your hand reaches out.
I won't go anywhere near.

My eyes don't reflect the same.
They only want this situation to be over.

Open the phone.
Close it.
Time is passing.
You want me now.

But I don't agree.

I see something in your eyes.
It's frightening.
Didn't think I'd find him so soon.

Trash.
Check.
Bugs.
Check.
Dirt.
Check.
My respect for you.
Forever gone.

A collaboration: 2 for 1

the city streets are bursting with rhythm
insanity and pleasure mixed in a bonnet
the rapping of heels on asphalt stone, a constant irregular beat
drumming out the sound in the eardrums of whispers
winds begin to howl, screaming to the music
virgin eye have heard their demise
lights, a rebel trumpet breaks the rhythm, but only briefly
as if the seekers heard no thunder their dance continues
bushes dance, swaying in silent lawns
STOP! Scream the women but the roars are loud enough.
persistent drums and winds play, like no word was spoken
The drones of mankind continue their rant.
the city sleeps for no one

butterfly tattoo

Loaded gun in hand.
Bullets full of naked words.
She sells skin not sanctuary.

Bruises graze her back.
Butterfly tattoo stamped on her shoulder.
She guarantees fun.

Kicking inside her is her excuse.
Lying on her couch is her reason.
Gripping her bag she hoes it won't be necessary to scream.

Angst takes her hand.
Waiting without gum is horrid.
To the curb it is.
Just a pause in time.

Car after car passes.
Lone soldiers.
Some with innocents.
Finally a savior.
One kind face.

Streetlights will serenade her eyes.
His jaded eyes proved unkind.
Bullet holes line his roof.
It's a tear sweat galore.

His favorite point, her butterfly tattoo.
Painted blue wings with ease he'll peel off each wing.
Tied to to the rim her choices are slim.

A tear sweat galore.
All they found, her bracelet,
amniotic fluid.
Her body was unrecognizable.
Feet away.
Her butterfly tattoo missing.

Another misfortune unknown.

I got another confession to make, I'm your fool.

Ok so for those of you who know I am very in love with pigs. I saw this and immediately wanted one.

To All The Beauties in This Land

Ok I get it. Blake Lively and Taylor Momsen are gorgeous. Vanessa Hudgens is to die for but can we talk about someone you have the chance of meeting?
My hips aren't wide enough and my breasts are barely past six grade status. I've had gray hairs already. My teeth are crooked and I don't have enough freckles. I can't jog a mile in less than ten minutes. I get acne attacks from time to time and I scare my Family just as much as I scare myself.
I have all the imperfections of Picasso's paintings. And I'll never make ends meet with your ideal vision of a girl. But one day, along the majestic road of tragedy we call a life you will look back and say boy did that girl make me smile.

Where you going?
Home.
Well what about your kiss?
I don't want it.
But I want to. I want to kiss ya.
Ok.


-------
(David Morse)
Can I have my lightning bugs please?
Can I have my kiss please?


Hounddog
:)

We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

u havethe courage to leavenot like me

So my Loly Pop told me that she is proud of me.  That I have the courage to leave my hometown and my family to go off to college.
Scoff.
Funny this is my reply:


Jaja if you say it like that i sound awesome. But truth is I'm only running away. I don't want to deal with the problems at home. I'd rather go off somewhere and avoid the fact that I need help. You shouldn't be proud of me. You should be proud of you. You're amazing. :)

The sky is falling

Turning down Disney like counting to five.
Easy peasy.
Hurting the ones that give two shits in lullabies.
Check.
It seems chaos is breed 100%.
Each breath you breathe 100%.
Dropping A-bombs verbally.
Boom chaca boom.


You only need to turn down Disney to know something is wrong.
Overdose to sleep.

I have to admit

Tommy was super cute in last weeks episode.
"I'm not mad anymore."
Awww.


However no matter how cute someone can be it does not forgive their rudeness.
Stop being a jerk Tommy
jaja


:)

All wrapped in a bonnet

Sometimes I picture you dead.

If you were dead you'd be just another wasted carcass.

I wouldn't be unwillingly subjected to hearing your giggle.

Your false giggle.

The one given when trying to attract a suitor.

Your amplified groans.

Only heard when others are jolly.

Your horrific sighs.

Sometimes I even think we house a ghost.

These headphones muffle sounds but they remain unextinguished.

Bringing up your pain when talking about school.

Were we talking about a hernia?

Cutting down our blossoms and placing your weeds.

It's easier to hate something dead.

pit

I put myself there.

I chose to receive the hits. 

With prior knowledge I walked into this mosh pit. 

Knowing, understanding I would get hit.

A strike to my chest,

another to my gut

and lastly to my head.

They were giants.

veterans at least,

I was a newcomer,

at least I have been the past 15 times. 

Each time I walk in it's the same as the last.

The little sib.

If I strike an uppercut it's stupid, for I am small.

If They strike a jab, it's intelligent; for They are vets.

My uppercuts and I remain in the pit.

Their jabs and they're back in the crowd.

All giants out now.

Just the kids.

The pit closes in.

It's just me and two other young guns.

We cease the blows

but the hits keep coming,

from around.

All vets on deck.

A strike to the chest,

another to the gut

and lastly to my head.

Then the song ends.

We regroup.

The bruises are invisible to the giants..

They know what they've done,

but what can They say.

They are giants, veterans of the pit and I am

well just a kid.