Free Write: Keep Me Up All Night

[Only read if you are fine with wasting precious moments of your life.]
This week was not my week. Today, was the plummet. My internet wasn't working when I really needed to send some emails for class. My Calculus Professor sent my anger to a new level. I was lost and confused in Biology. I did terrible in my Organic Chem quiz. Today has not been a good day.
I honestly feel like crying so that's why the music in my room is loud, just in case. I hate this fucking overwhelming feeling. My writing has lost whatever magic touch it had. I've been feeling sicker and sicker. I'm going home because I have a doc appointment tomorrow and I'm worried. I've never gone to the eye doctor and had him tell me my eyes are fine. I'm getting worse and worse. My fucking brain capability is so low. How the hell did I even get into this school. I'm going to have to leave Bio and I don't want to. I'm losing all hope. Every inch that was remained is drifting away. I feel like crawling into a hole. Just staying in fetal position for hours and waiting until someone comes to lie to me. Tell me I'll be fine. It's a lie. I'm freaking out and everything is perfectly fine. No one is dead. I have money and food and a shelter. I am receiving an education, well for now. I have people that love me but today that is not enough.

Mother, don't let me go

Will add the before later. :/

R E A L I T Y

I know I can walk away.

I know I don't want to, but it's the right thing.

Most of all, I know you won't fight for me or even ask me to stay.

Knowing you, you'll just watch me walk away.

So I ask. 

Can we go back? When you loved me just the same?

When pieces weren't shattered

When fragments were known to exist but had never been seen.

But wait, illusions make sense when they hover close. 

Skyline

So I just finished watching Skyline. Didn't think ti was great but I also didn't think it was terrible. All I really want to say is next time, can I be in a relationship with someone like Jarrod? That dude is just kickass.
-ChesterYaYa

I hate not being over you and wanting you so much more than before.
But most of all, I hate you not even trying. You don't deserve me. I know that much.
But I can't get over you. I'm on the merry-go round again.

N E E D

I need attention.
I need calls and hugs and texts and hangouts.
I need pointless hours of laying down and enjoying each other.
I need affection. I need spoiling.
I need care
but mostly I need attention.

Another of my obsessions. 

"Losing the possibility of something is the exact same thing as losing hope and without hope nothing can survive. "

    -Mrs. Truant (House of Leaves)

"Ok well the more perfect someone's life seems the more fucked up they probably are."
     -Lex (Forget Me Not)

W A N T

I want to hang my arms around your neck and rest my head on your shoulder
or have our body's meet and greet each other at the forehead.
I want to just lay with you, close my eyes and know that you and I belong together;
that you are mine and I am yours.
I want to have my hands travel across your body and map out each wrinkle, each freckle, each bump.
I want the whispers in the cars.
I want your hand in the movie.
I want your heart.

M E

• My teeth are crooked.
• I am a dork. :]
• I'm not the smartest person you will me.
• I'm not the stupidest person you will meet.
• I have freckles.
• I have one dimple.
• I understand that I am beautiful :]

   BUT given my flaws and my confidence that does not give you the right to objectify me. 

   NEVER objectify me or ANYONE. 

Video Blog

Coffee and House of Leaves is the way to go.

stir fry

no lloro con las cebollas.
Mi madre me enseño a nunca llorar,
ni para una persona, ni para una
maldita cebolla.

Las corta en pedazos largos, así
se doran y se ven maravillosas.
El ajo, me encanta.
Honestamente me encanta, pero
lo odio. Su olor se queda entre mis dedos, bajo mis uñas.
Como un jitomate, y allí esta el ajo.
Pinché metiche. Ni puedo disfrutar otra delicadeza
porque allí esta el ajo.

no lloro con las cebollas.
Mis ojos no se ponen rojos,
solamente me arden.
Pero la aguantó. Aguanto a la cebolla.

Hello Charlie: Letters From A Serial Killer

" 'Rage motivates murder,' he asserted. 'Most homicides are crimes of passion and the passion of anger. Sometimes it's specific. A man murders his cheating wife. A son kills his sadistic father. Sometimes, its more general. Everybody deserves to die. It's up to you to settle the score.' After I read that letter from Robert, I felt as if I had tapped into the full force of his grudge against the gods and man. There was no room for mercy in his world, no advantage to being kind and good. It was dog eat dog and he was determined to eat his share. "

     -Charlie Hess

diamantes

You are not a diamond in the rough.
You are just like other girls.
And he is no different from other boys.
Your dress style is not original.
Your face is a mix of hundreds before you.
You are not a diamonds in the rough.
We are all diamonds.
Each person you meet is the same as the last one.
We are all diamonds.
We shine differently, some in the light and
some, in the dark.
We each have a different cut; round, brilliant, fancy, etc.
Our proportions are different.
Our shine is different.
Our value is different but
we are all diamonds.

Monologue: Party 101

I can't get you off my mind...
Please tell me that's not right.

It's not just. Don't walk into my life.  Don't take my hand. Don't make me dance and let me go. Don't put your hands on my hips and move me.
Dancing means something to me. It may not mean the same to you, but it means something to me. 
You know that. Don't make me feel beautiful and unique and like I'm the only one.

I turned my head to see if I could catch your smile, your gaze...
There was somebody else there.