Free Write: My Dearest Apologies.

Today while on the bus I experienced something, scary. As the bus was pulling away a man, who was trying to board the bus, hit the window. It was loud but it happens. He wanted their attention, he got it. As the driver was trying to maneuver their way back to the curb he hit the window again. The driver told him that they weren't going to pick him up because he was hitting their bus. He became more violent. He began slamming his fist against the window. He was cursing at the driver. He kept hitting the windows, even the front door. I happened to be on the side closest to him. Every time he slammed his fist against the window, I'd get a little scared. I kept wondering. What if he get's inside? What if the window breaks? What would I do? I was scared. The only thing separating us was glass. The driver followed procedure and called OCTA and told them to send the police. Even while they were on the phone he continued to yell and hit the windows. Eventually he left.
I have had stalkers. Heck, once or twice I've seen some homeless fight, but this hasn't happened to me before. I was scared.
As soon as this ordeal was over I started thinking about all of you, then everybody else.
I am sorry. I am sorry if you haver ever felt threatened. I am sorry if you have ever worried about your safety. I'm sorry if you've ever stayed up at night hoping you'd see sunrise. I'm sorry if someone has ever made you feel insignificant. I'm sorry if someone has ever made you feel uneasy. I'm sorry if you've ever felt that regardless of the taekwondo lessons, the boxing classes, or any self defense classes you've felt defenseless. I am so sorry. My dearest apologies go out to you.
I wish I could fix it all. I know my experience may be minuscule compared to your struggles, but it reminded me of something. It put things in a cleaner perspective. Sometimes my glasses get covered with  a dim reality and I am temporarily blinded. I dozed off and I'm awake again.
PLEASE, fight on.
-ChesterYaYa

Things I Wish I Could Say and Letters I Wish I Could Write-1

I failed. Usually I say that when referring to some trivial matters, but not this time. This time, it's different and I'm sorry.
I couldn't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I wish to tell you everything but I know, I still shouldn't, can't, won't.
All you need to know is that I'm a mess. I'm terrible but I vow to make everything up. I mean it. I will fix everything. I'm going to give you what I owe and more. I will shine brightly. I will make it all up and I won't lie anymore. It will be different, but this one. This entire "thing" I'm keeping from you, you'll never hear. I will never tell you. You'll never, ever know. This secret won't be yours. It's mine, and I only share it with a few alibis.
I care about you and telling you everything will only damage what you think of me, and I can't have you hate me. Not now. Not ever. I want you to keep believing in me. I want you to keep loving me. I want you to keep thinking of me as you did in highschool. Special. A diamond in the rough. I'm not the prettiest diamond but I like you believing that, and that's why I can't tell you.

Please understand, I love you. Don't ask any questions, I won't, can't, shouldn't say anything.
Things will be better.

I swear.

My hair looks magical. Nuzzle.

Words From a Friend

So yesterday was interesting. I got to see a multitude of news articles about people who hate me and my queer family so much that they were willing to sit in mile-long lines just to show it. I really can’t put into words how disheartening and infuriating that is. To know that so many people think that I’m somehow less, that I’m undeserving of the rights they take for granted.

This isn’t just about gay marriage. Right now there are so many kids out there–struggling with their sexualities, gender identities, or any number of other things–going through the same things I did when I was younger. Worrying about which of their friends will turn on them, or having to seriously consider whether they’ll even have a place to live once they come out. Perhaps living in denial or hating themselves, even to the point of being suicidal. Learning for themselves that it’s *okay* to be who you are, because no one else will teach them. Try telling those kids how supposedly non-hateful our society is.

I speak from experience; I’ve felt all of those things at some point in my life. Growing up gay in a conservative household is, to put it lightly, difficult. I was lucky enough to meet my friend Adam online when we were in our early teens. We ended up coming out to each other at some point. I don’t recall exactly how that came about, but just having one person that I could be completely open with was so helpful. I can honestly say I probably wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t had that friendship to lean on. But even so, I had my share of denial and self-hatred. I told myself I was really straight for years, that my attraction to guys was just a phase. When I couldn’t make myself believe that anymore, I told myself I must be bisexual instead, to hang on to the idea that I could still at least have some heterosexual attractions like I was “supposed” to. It was such a self-destructive way to live, and I wasn’t able to fully come to terms with myself until more recently than I care to admit. While I’m absolutely proud of myself as I am today, not everyone is that lucky.

Every time I heard someone I respected condemn queers when I was younger, it killed me a little inside. When I think of how a closeted queer kid might have felt yesterday, seeing those thousands upon thousands of people proudly displaying their ignorance and bigotry, it tears me apart. I’m tired of the Chick-fil-A controversy, of institutionalized queerphobia and of this insane religious hegemony that consistently puts doctrine ahead of basic human compassion. As tired as I am, though, this is why I’m so vocal about queer rights. The simple truth is that the queer community needs to take care of itself, because if we don’t there are so few others who will. That’s why I advocate, even if some weeks it’s just a link here or putting in my two cents there in the hopes that someone might see it and be encouraged. As long as the queer community is treated like second-class citizens, as long as there are kids out there going through the same things I had to go through, closeted and unable to stand up for themselves, I’m going to do what I can on their behalf. I urge all of you, especially the many queer allies I know, to do the same.

-Justin Lara (I.Q. Co-Chair)