Things I Wish I Could Say and Letters I Wish I Could Write-1

I failed. Usually I say that when referring to some trivial matters, but not this time. This time, it's different and I'm sorry.
I couldn't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I wish to tell you everything but I know, I still shouldn't, can't, won't.
All you need to know is that I'm a mess. I'm terrible but I vow to make everything up. I mean it. I will fix everything. I'm going to give you what I owe and more. I will shine brightly. I will make it all up and I won't lie anymore. It will be different, but this one. This entire "thing" I'm keeping from you, you'll never hear. I will never tell you. You'll never, ever know. This secret won't be yours. It's mine, and I only share it with a few alibis.
I care about you and telling you everything will only damage what you think of me, and I can't have you hate me. Not now. Not ever. I want you to keep believing in me. I want you to keep loving me. I want you to keep thinking of me as you did in highschool. Special. A diamond in the rough. I'm not the prettiest diamond but I like you believing that, and that's why I can't tell you.

Please understand, I love you. Don't ask any questions, I won't, can't, shouldn't say anything.
Things will be better.

I swear.