Cute Without the E

Dancing with the Left Footer

This is where I leave you.
No, this is where I stay.
The music will fade, the bartenders will leave, the bar will close.
Just don't let go.
In the absence of all, this tight embrace, with the finite buzz and smell, will keep us from spinning into oblivion.
I'll teach you the pattern. In this box all your faults will remain.
Step on my toes, the gin&tonic washes it away.
Forget the pace, my hand will guide you.
I'll lead. 
Don't fret.
This isn't when I leave.
This is when I stay.

Echoes

This mind lives in the past. It dwells on what could have been.
All the vibrations, all the scents left in the air,  everything in the past, this body still craves.
No, there isn't a reset button. Nothing will disable the memories.
Linger as they may they do not inhibit the growth of new.
The vibrations and all will never fade, they will just blend into the more recent past...
Layers upon layers formulating a very rough, very beautiful and chaotic backdrop to the future.

The Four Chambered Organ

If you wear it on your sleeve, you're bound to get hurt.
If you wear it long enough it might grow some calluses.
No. It's a muscle.
You have to train it.
Expanding, general growth. You have to train it.
After every marathon you need to rest.
Wait for it to heal before continuing.
Every muscle needs to rest, even the complicated ones.
There's going to be aches. It's going to be sore.
Keep going.
If you train it long enough...
there won't be a guarantee of pain free days, no.
There will be less rest needed, less aches.
It's a muscle; it will be strong and be able to withstand more.
It will be better.

Free Write: Fingir

Pretend. Pretend all over again.
I'm going to pretend that I'm fine. I'm going to pretend that I am not bothered whatsoever.
I am going to smile and reply and pretend that this new way is as easy for me as it is for you.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: I Don't Understand

I followed and behaved. I explained. I listened. I behaved.

How could it still all go wrong?

Instructions included yet the mess remains. 

Reviewed the requirements daily and yet here I stand. 

I can't bear it. 

Just take it all down. I can't bear to review the continuous replay.

All the questions proceed to repeat in my mind. 

I'll be quiet and wait for my time to come. Can the redemption song begin?

-ChesterYaYa

Don't Wait

Every thing ends.
Good or bad, they don't exist in this plane.
No great shifter will decide the fate of our moments.
The good will end.
The bad will end.
Know that the pain, the laughs, the difficulties, the triumphs, and every moment swaying in between, will end.
Relish the moments of glory. Fight through the moments of despair.
"This too shall pass."

The continuous task of replacing the sinking, bitter feeling with hope and positivity itself is a burden.

-ChesterYaYa

I fall in love with Brand New at least once every day.

The song I will never send you. 

Battle Scars

The crowd will either be there to watch you rise or to watch you fall.
Applause, tears, and joy will fill the entire arena.
They won't see the burns or any of the wounds no matter how prominent they may be.
They will never understand all the care spent on those infections or the waging battle inside.
Bend, contort, flail but never break...
Every one remembers the broken.

Plot twist: This time I'm the culprit.
Worse when it is you.

"I do what people say and lie in bed all day, absolutely horrified."

 -Elliot Smith (Memory Lane)

bumps in the night

The creaks of this old creature.
Once alive, now left as a mere display, configured as something else.
The creaks are not to be feared.
Creaks are sorrowful sighs of what has passed: what will never be.
It is in mourning.
Grieve for it. Never fear. Grieve.

Car Ride

Millions of tiny particles fluttering about, racing along the skin, pressuring the thoughts to maintain an equal amount of speed.
Keep up.
The race is endless. With every new second confusion and fear is invite in, there is no excitement, only worry.
Breathe in.
The particles race faster and the entire scenery is one huge blur filled with magnificent colors interlocking to form one major threat. 

Keep up.

A collision is inevitable; all the colors swirl, there is no distinction.
Breathe in. 

Among the horde, the buzz, the kaleidoscope mural, there is one that hovers about all, a grave warning that must be crosses before it is too late.

Keep up.

The particle aren't dancing. The colors are understandable. Waiting. The fear is leaving. The confusion dissipates. Calming. The thoughts are normal.

Red light.

Breathe out.

Peace and Noise

Swiveling thoughts lead to dizzy, confused moments.
Entanglements.
Inconsistencies.
Fear.
Quick breaths, heightened tension. Anxiety?
So breathe. Count. Relax.
There is no solution found in a commotion.
Peace. Beauty. Relaxation. Positive thinking.
Moments have their place. They get stitched in the fabric of life.
Allow the stitches to fall together.
The seams will hold.
The ground, will not crumble. Fabric endures. All endures.
Way one or another, all endures.
There will be nicks. Several. Breathe.
Add another stitch.

Free Write: Take Two

I stuck around because I thought I could be enough to save them. To make them change and stop doing shit like this,  stop being the way he was. That was stupid.

You're never going to be enough. Never. Wherever you go, whatever intimate, close, romantic relationship you develop you'll never be enough for that other partner. You'll find yourself striving to be better, to be better for them, not for you. Maybe I can make them love me more, maybe I can make them stop maybe, just maybe they will realize that I'm always going to be there for them and they won't have to do this anymore. It won't work. 

You can't fix them. You can't change them. They will continue. You won't be enough. You won't be their reason to change. You'll just be another punching bag for them while you keep adding to the scars already calloused into your brain. It doesn't get better unless you leave and even then the pain will burn through your beautiful nights. It will ruin your chances at finding comfort in your old favorite things. It will find a way to weave into your thoughts. It will surge in and when you're finally feeling adequate you will turn around and find that someone else was enough. Someone else brought them that satisfaction, that peace that they could stop. They got by without you and now it hurts. They moved on. You should too.

-ChesterYaYa

Refresh

How strange, seconds seem to be frozen in this infinite light.
Is it possible? Could it be?
All these seconds lengthened to torment my mind. Such riddles!
So painful.
Perhaps they aren't frozen. But they are!
Look, they don't move. They stand strong and proud. Fearless.
The pale light illuminating my very face seems to last forever. Infinite indeed.
There isn't a way to jump ahead.
Just wait.
Feel the regret, the pain, the disappointment sink in.
This is what happens when waves crash.
Wait. 

Keep Away

Anger. 

It comes in like a raging wave. Destroying it all. The happy moments you had before this precise second are completely forgotten.
blood pumping, heart thunder wriggling with each breath
Try to catch your breath? HA.
TRY. TRY TRY.
Breathe....breathe. No.
Even at that moment, maybe it's the consistent tempo of the heart thunder; maybe it's the lack of breaths, but at that given moment all food consumed just wants to purge itself from your body. 
Give in?
Then the goosebumps set in.
But the images they are there.
Set in stone in the basic synapses of your idiotic brain.
It isn’t a drum. The pounds are endless, you can still hear them, past all the white noise, past the shaking hands, the sweat, the quaking legs, it’s there.
The cold. Some icy hands have pricked your entire body but your acceptance has allowed that hand to remain. Just gradually lingering above you. Caressing you. Those delicate features. 

Acceptance.

Maybe this isn’t wanted. It isn’t. It's needed.
Contemplate the actions. This wasn't a coincidence.
This didn't happen for a reason. Everything preceding this event was perfectly executed to this. Let the icy hand guide. It knows best.

Saying Goodbye?

It had already happened.
There was consciousness.
It was there. He was there.
Not all of him. Fragments of him.
Goodbye fellow friend, thank you for my creation. Now leave.
Go.

He was there, fragments were there but what is this. This.
Disgust.
How can you cry? All of you.
There is nothing left. All is gone.
No tears, no sadness. I'll question it all.
There is no point to this goodbye.
He left before this event.
Idiots. I am surrounded by emotional idiots.
He left! GONE.
No tears. Just acknowledgement of what has occurred.

I'll remain until the dust covers it all.

open word

What is this...how did this all happen.
Little pieces sewn together that make a beautiful disaster.
I wrote this before.
Repeating words. That's all I am. Repeating words, actions.
On a constant loop.
Swallowed by the sickness but brought to life by a basic pill.
Breathe it in.
Calming.
Sweet bliss.
The desire is not for enjoyment, a new desire has overcome.
Numb.
Numb it all.
Just don't let them know. They can never know. Never.

Good Girl, Bad Bitch

Situations will present themselves as friends;
Innocent moments that can quickly progress to horrific nightmares.
And at those precise seconds, logic can seem logical, rational at those moments,
but pause.
Have you heard the whispers? The hesitant notes?
Listen to the background music. These situations present the best soundtracks.
If you hear treacherous music, dreadful sighs, small muffled cries you are moments away from a climatic horror scene.
Pause.
These situations cannot be undone. There will be no turning back.
These situations will lead to countless sleepless nights. Guilt will forever ride your back and weigh down all hope and beauty.
Just leave.

Always remember,
when a glass is held high and let go, it is bound to shatter.
Remember,
catching it will require bruises and cuts to be paid.
Always remember,
it is bound to shatter.

Let it happen.

Simplicity

It's beautiful to find satisfaction in the simplest of things.

fog

if i can't see, does it count?
just another please.
but if you can't see...
i can see, just not clearly.
PUT THOSE GLASSES BACK ON.
there. right there.
thank you.
now let me see..
ah it was there all along.
beautiful.
thank you.
no. no. no.
NOT AGAIN.
PUT THOSE GLASSES BACK ON.
there. i can see again.
thank you.
but what if it happens again?
well, my dear friend, turn on the beams.

point break

Circling. Spiraling. Here's to the breathers in our heads.
Spinning around. Around. Around we go again.
Stop. Tick tick tick tick tick. Stop.
Wait.
No there it is again.
Circling. Spiraling. Here's to the breathers in our
Continue with it. Crash. Here's another.
Almost here. Wait for it....
Boom. Hi. HI. Hello. Wave.
Never forget to wave. It's coming around. Duck! It's here!
BOOM.

Circling. Spiraling. Turning. Faster and faster and there it goes again.
PAUSE?
No.
Not today.