'Tis What You Are

You're my own Snuffleupagus ♥

-ChesterYaYa

You honestly are. I swear you exist, maybe only in my memories. 

I can never find you and I never will be able to be with you.
It's a sad story.
I want you so much but my craving is useless. I can't have you.

You are my own Snuffleupagus.

Random Thought: Interesting

I have the cigarette after taste in my mouth. I haven't kissed a smoker nor have I smoked anything.
How...odd.
-ChesterYaYa

I'll Follow You Into the Dark

While hugging my mother this conversation took place.
Mother: Huelo bonito?
Me: Siempre hueles bonito. Amá, que voy hacer cuando te vallas? Si huelo a el muere y si huelo a el, primero me da cancer y lluego me muero. Que voy hacer?
[brother and mother start laughing]
Mother: Pues me sigues. 

I'll follow my Mommas into the dark anytime :)

sometimes i regret it all

On the Genetics of Homosexuality

"Scientific analyses sometimes involve unarticulated assumptions, which are imbued with the authority of science by virtue of being embedded in scientific analyses. These have to be confronted and scrutinized, for they are potentially harmful and stand thereby to taint science. If you can't do science without harming, victimizing,  or stigmatizing people, you shouldn't be doing it. The burden of undertaking something controversial is to do it in such a way that you don't hurt anybody."

   - What it Means to be 98% Chimpanzee (Jonathan Marks)

On the Central Fallacy of Molecular Anthropology

"..we box up nature to make sense of it. Making sense of the world through classification is a fundamentally human act, and each group does it in it's own way, and thus imposes structure upon the world itself."

 - What it Means to be 98% Chimpanzee (Jonathan Marks)

       

Free Write: I'll Never Understand

Today I went to Disney. You know, the Happiest Place on Earth? Well for me, I'm not so happy. I immediately get sad. Once I sit on that tram, I feel completely depressed. It's as if Disney is a trigger. Once I arrive my depression kicks in, tenfold.
Every time I go, I'm rushing. Rushing to the rides. Rushing when eating.
I want to have one of those days where I relax and watch a show, relax and watch a parade. I want to take pictures with the Disney Characters. I want to eat one of those ice creams that look scrumdidlilyumptious. I want to ride the Tea Pots, Peter Pan and Alice and Snow White go to the houses in Toon Town.  I want to tour the castle.
I want to be a kid again, apparently that's the only time I can do that.
I get selfish. I get sad. The only time I can truly smile is when I see a baby or a toddle. Not in the pedophile way, in the caring way. Even on rides I can just sit there without a smile. I hate it. I'm such a downer. I love the rides. I have fun on the, most of them. I guess I've been on some so many times that I just get bored.
One day I'll have my day. I'll have fun, maybe I won't want to cry the entire time I'm there.
-ChesterYaYa

biological anthropology

"The devastating impact of malnutrition should not be underestimated. Worldwide, 26% of children under the age of 5 are classified as moderately or severely undernourished (this is 160 millions people). And more than 5.5 million children under the age of 5 die each year for reasons linked to malnutrition." (UNICEF)

        -The Human Species: An Introduction to Biological Anthropology

Escuela

[And I thought things were getting better.]

three amigos

I love these people. Barely met them and I already love being around them.

Monologue: i'm not ok

I cut myself.
I cut myself here, here and here.
There's no intention of dying. None whatsoever.
Somehow, with each miserable drop, each little sliver, I feel better...
and it's never for more than five seconds.Ten at the most.
The blade is very gentle.
Close to a major artery? Never. Close to a main vein? Never.
Close to pain? Always precise.
I cut myself and it feels good. After five seconds of two drips, I feel great. I'm not woozy, nauseous. There's been no lack of oxygen to the brain. I'm fine. Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that this is harmful. Washing your hair too much is harmful. Eating too much meat is harmful. You tell me that this scar that is no bigger than a hairline fracture is harmful.
I'll stop. I really will. Find me a pill that doesn't make me tired or lowers my appetite. Find me a group that does make me feel any less of a person. Find me someone to talk to that doesn't make me feel like an ignorant ape. Find me that and I promise, all these instruments will disappear.


But you can't.
You can't.
And that's ok.

FUCK THAT!

Jesus doesn't take the wheel for me,
pills and vodka do.

Blood is for Breathing not for Spilling

I'll light your fire,
give you the match,
just stop bleeding.
This place is for dancing but you bleed and you bleed.
Every mop turns red,
every bucket turns crimson.
Don't you see they're tired of cleaning?
Gauze turn red. Brown ones are disposed.
Quit pulling the stitches.
I gave you light.
I give you light.
But, you give me...blood?
This trail always leads back to you. Drop by drop.
Cleaning it up and yet it returns, always.
How can we dance?
How can we dance with the spill?
How can we dance if we keep falling?

Words From my Husband

(insert my name here) she smiles brighter as she fights to save her lighter from the doom of her wet clothing though it's dreadfully foreboding :)

Even you don't believe.

Greg: [crosses over to his car] She gave up. I loved her. We were meant to be ya know? But she gave up. I didn't know what to do, I tried coming home with gifts, taking her out. It just didn't work. Fuck it
Rhi: [comes over to the driver] No. No. No. No! She never stopped. You stopped. People just don't stop loving each other not unless they realize they never loved each other in the first place. You say you tried?
Greg:[stuttering] I...I..
Rhi: You didn't try hard enough! She loves you and YOU love her. When two people love each other they don't let anything, not money, not bystanders, no one get in between. They keep fighting because they know they are both worth each other. They know that life with out each other would be unbearable and a fucking nightmare. Oh they could survive but without them life would be incomplete. You never tried. At least not hard enough.

[I'm terrible at blocking]

A Letter to An Old Friend

Hey,

   I've been wanting to tell you this for the longest time and I've been neglecting to do it because I know once I do, I've confirmed it.
You were my best friend. I liked to call you that and it hurts me that you still sometimes refer to me as that because it's not true. A person just has one best friend. We can have several great friends but one best friend. All those shows that have 3 best friends are just lying. It's impossible to not favor one person more than the other.
   To me we were best friends but once you left for your surgery things changed. They really did. I hate that they did but they did. I couldn't stop it. There are friendships that only exist through close communication and other that exist through distance. Ours was strongly close communication. We severed that when we stopped seeing each other. AND IT SUCKS! You were such a great bestie. Even when we hangout every thousand years we have such a good time together.
  I don't think we're ever going to be that close again. It's hard.
  The point of this message is just me letting you know something that you've probably already known for awhile, we're not really close anymore.
I get sad and truth be told a little jealous when I see pictures of you and your awesome friend. It starts with jealousy because all I can think is lucky them. She is awesome! jaja But then I get sad. I miss you. I miss our crazy laughs and moments.
   I hope everything is good. Hope things go great with your boyfriend and don't forget, if you guys get married I already called dibbs on flower girl. :)
-An Old Friend

Proud to be a member of IQ

Long Beach Pride :)
<3

I suffer from this. It's a curse.

basorexia (noun)
  -overwhelming urge to kiss

a curse like none other for I kiss not because I want to but because I have to.
worse part is that you eventually meet someone whose kisses are so amazing, no one will ever be able to compete

Free Write: ticket stub

I keep all my ticket stubs. I really do. There are a few exceptions here and there but for the most part I keep them.
I just noticed that I'm missing Thor's ticket stub.
I can't even begin to explain how sad it is to be missing that ticket stub.
-ChesterYaYa

"Throw some animals in a cage and you get to find out which one of us gonna be the lions and which ones of gonna get gut.....It don't matter how evolved you think we are. You lock up any animal long enough and the strong is gonna eat the weak. That's just the way it is."

   -The Experiment(Nix)

"Lack of control means powerlessness. Powerlessness means fear. Fear means you will grab at any story, however crazy, that makes you feel better. Hence the continued influence of religious belief on our world."

      - George Michelsen Foy

Free Write: And the dominos continue to tumble.

Now he's angry. He's being a dick. He's being rude and mean. It's not even her fault. It's my fault for being a Bio major and having classes on a Friday. It's my fault for missing so much school I am unable to miss another day. Fuck I should have gone to class last week then I could have stayed and he wouldn't be acting rude.
I love them to death and I feel terrible for being a cry baby on the way up here. If he hadn't noticed I was sad he wouldn't have blamed her. Grrr. I'll make things better. I will.
Promise.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write:Go to Hell.

I've never returned from San Diego and been this mad. This angry. I left happy and sad because I knew I had to come back. I look at this place and all I feel is hatred.
I can't wait until I leave, but that's going to be awhile since this is my only choice. So what's the plan? Bring up my grades so I can leave this place. I can't be here.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: i want to break free

Been holding back tears. I'm not even sure why. I just know that I've been feeling pretty sad for awhile. I just CAN'T cry. You know that good cathartic cry? I've been wanting one of those.
The other night I was by myself and I really felt alone. As if every other body in the area was fake. As if I could not reach them. It's so weird.
Going to start taking my pills again. See what they do. I am my own experiment.
-ChesterYaYa

Dweeb

Just like the force, I will be with you.
:)

Back to square one.

I'm sleeping with Walter again. The monster under my bed comes out and sleeping with this piggy helps me.

Waltert <3

-Sigh-

I want you so badly, I really do but I can't have you. Sun knows that can't happen but I do enjoy the thought :)

Creatures of the NIght

You'll find them at the diner.
Easiest location.
24/7
Bloodshot eyes, reasons may vary.
Maybe today's dancing-,drinking-, essay-writing-, night.
They're more alive than you'll ever be.
Their days never end, just blend in to nights.
Hours held under the sunlight don't suffice, ever.
Drunk friends take care of dunk friends. "It's what we do."
Waiter scraping his mind to the bone of these witching hours.
Ex-navy brat works a paper trying to understand the numbers.
They know no night nor day.
They only understand hours.
Creature's of the night, inhabitants of the Earth and lovers, dreamers of each day.

Free Write: Thank you.

I am proud to have friend(s) that remind me that you are a piece of shit and that people like you don't deserve second chances or thirds or fourths. I "loved" you once. I'm grateful for what we had, it was a great experience and sure a couple of heartfelt moments were created by you but all those forests and bridges your burnt make those moments dangle.
You might be back but it doesn't mean you are staying in my life. I'll be here. You'll be there. Once you have your drama-queen-tantrum don't expect me to go running after you. That shit is over.
I'm actually worth something. I thank all those amazing individuals who help me see the beauty in me.
-ChesterYaYa

Almost made me tear up. I have to say, receiving the email saying the bill was dropped is probably one of the greatest emails I will ever get :) So happy :)

No bueno

Having a friend sleep over is as a Feliza would say "No bueno."
Apparently there are only a few individuals who I can share the bed with and actually sleep. Friend from last night, was not one of them. All I do is dose off and then return, looking at the ceiling. I is tired. No full sleep. I learned.

Kill The Gays <--Sign the Petition to STOP this LAw

 In about 72 hours a bill in Uganda that would make identifying as LGBT punishable by death, could be passed. Sign this petition to stop this injustice.

http://www.allout.org/petition/uganda?utm_source=All+Out&utm_campaign=f707604a6c-Uganda_05_09_11_English_US&utm_medium=email

MY Chick Tip

Tip:
Never tell a guy you are on birth control; from them on he will put the responsibility on only you and not care about using protection himself.

Free Write: Therapeutic Chain of Events

Overview:
Today was awesome :)
Yesterday night was beautiful.


Best line?
Hmm, maybe the one were you said your mom likes me regardless of the fact that I'm the reason you return late and with "bruises".  >_<
She hasn't even met me yet, which I intend to keep that way.

Hanging out was nice. Thank you for talking some sense into me. Bitch.

Free Write: Success...more like FAIL

No vomiting since Sunday. I'm fighting this bitch :)
If I can make it through the week without any more vomiting that would be awesome.
I still get the quivering hands. Yesterday while walking to lab I got really dizzy. Remember those rooms in county fair's where the ground is moving like crazy? That was me yesterday while walking up the stairs, I had to grab on to the railing. <--A first. The headaches are so normal now I just don't give a squat. Now, let's hope the vomiting stops for the rest of this week.
Come on body. I believe in you.
:)

SO the above was me on Thursday. I failed. :/ That very day, hours later, I vomited. Thursday and Friday I vomited. :(
BUT NOT SATURDAY :]

Free Write: My friend is AWEsome :)

A friend of mine bought the new Silverstein CD and he let me add it to my iTunes :)
Now that is a real friend.
-ChesterYaYa

symphony

So small.
Tiny in comparison to us Giants.
Alone, you are on e spider on my windowsill but together all of you make up twenty.
Precious. Invading my space but recoiling at my breath. I mean no harm at all.
But you? I'm not so sure.
To let you dwell there, swinging, some would call me crazy but why should I disturb your place?
Disrturbing your peace would be unkind.
Stand your ground, I will stand mine.
From one instrument to another, I say hello.

Sooo...

About twenty little spiders decided to congregate near my window. They are so cute. A couple of them were swinging :)
Too cute, I would name them but there are way too many.

absolute love