I get scared quite often. Mostly at night, or anytime I'm left alone with my thoughts. I have to be constantly doing something. I read, watch movies, watch shows. Been avoiding writing since that's when I usually have those dark scary thoughts come up.
I'm different. I greatly fear death. I honestly do. Greatest fear. Once I start thinking about it I get his ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I end up vomiting. Sometimes I cry. See I can't be like the rest of you and simply accept death. I can't accept the truth of life.
It doesn't help to be an atheist. I wish I believed. It'd be so much more comforting to think of dying and going to a place where souls burn or a place where souls dance with glee but I can't believe in such foolishness. I don't mean to offend those who are "believers" and I'm sorry if I do.
I've been really scared lately. I go to sleep afraid I won't wake up.
And so fa, each time I have I give that great sigh of relief. That breath of life.
I cry. I fear never seeing my Mother again. I fear her not waking up. I never want to have my brother or mother so far from me. I say "I love you" everyday on case I don't wake up.
I'm scared.
I have hate the face that each moment is lost. None can forever stay. None can be held. Just right now, the previous words I have typed, the action cannot be undone. I hate it. I hugged my Mother so much today. I didn't wan to loose the moment so I hugged her for minutes.
Lately I've been listening to music before going to bed. It keeps me from thinking about death. I have to keep doing something. Anything will do.
-ChesterYaYa
This is so close to how I feel, that I could have written it myself. When I think about it my breathing speeds up and I almost have a panic attack. I can't bear the thought that it will all just stop one day like a light switch turning off. I want to believe so badly that something else comes after this mortal life, and sometimes I even hope that if I attended a church I could eventually allow myself to be brainwashed into believing it, but I know it would never work. Plus, how does that help take advantage of the fact that we as humans can think for ourselves?
ReplyDeleteI understand. At times I wish I believed, but I can't kid myself. To me there is nothing. I wish there was but at this moment I can't believe and that alone is terrifying.
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