Free Write: The Break

I miss him. This time it's different. I just miss him, I still get to have him. It's not the way I want him but I'll settle.

I still miss him. If I get to lay with him on my birthday, I'll be the happiest I've ever been.

-ChesterYaYa

Things I Wish I Could Say and Letters I Wish I Could Write-2

I already miss you and it's only been a few hours since the deed has been done. I've cried sporadically throughout the day. You'd think I'd run out of tears, but no, they keep coming back.
I just can't grasp it yet.
It just
I regret not holding you when I was angry or too proud. I regret not kissing you, not grabbing your hand. I regret every moment I took for granted.
I miss you so much. I know we are still best friends but you know thats not all I want. I can't do anything.
I found your sock. I have your shirt. All these stupid items make me so happy and then the rush of sadness kicks in. Why? Because I won't be able to relive all those moments or have a chance to make new ones and that hurts.
I want you back but I can't have you. I keep hoping something magically changes and you'll call me and say you've changed your mind and that you want me back but I know it won't happen.
It's going to be a tough week.

Free Write: Disappearing

Lately I've been feeling like just jumping off a roof. I won't. I'm afraid of heights, oh and my number one phobia is death. I won't do it.
It's just that lately I've been feeling pretty worthless. Worthless enough that this lump should just leave. It's weird. I feel like I haven't found my niche. I don't feel like I'm leaving any worthy impression, carbon footprint excluded.
I'm going as a clown this year. I've been feeling like one a little bit. Except, lately, I've even been failing at that. I can't make people laugh or even want me around. I kind of just blend into the cushions now. I just continue sinking into the couch while everyone around me chatters. I'm that lame lamp. I'm a terrible jester.
-ChesterYaYa