Monologue 2: i wish i knew

There's something about you that simply fascinates me.
Not sure what it is.
But it's got me thinking about you constantly. The other day I walked into a fucking pole. A pole. Cylindrical. Tall. Blue. It was a full on pole, and I walked into it. The last time I accidentally walked into something I was under the Mexican stars in San Luis drinking a bottle of mezcal.
With you it's different.  It's not the drugs, I could get those off anyone. Just sitting on that cum filled couch is fine. Staring at your fucking dog is fine. That is as long as you're around. You disappear and that couch goes back to being a disgusting cum filled, full on hillbilly ridden couch. But you around and shit seems good.
At ease. What's that word? That word your grandma said, your cuz plays that song that just repeats the word. Errie? Nah. Irie. That one. Well yeah everything is irie.
You one fascinating, good-looking bitch. And I mean bitch with the utmost respect.
Why you smiling? What? Yeah I got words. Shit girl. I'm fancy huh?

So....the truth came out

"You went from a kid to me!
Why?! Why?! Why?! "

Best reaction from my brother ever. :)
I'm glad he knows.

KILL the turkey and OVER eat Day

I have purpose in my house.
I have place.
It may not be what I like, but I enjoy it.
I may be labeled as one thing, but I like having the label.
I may be in full disorder here, but I love the mess.
The arguments, the cussing, every little aspect of home I like.
Yes, the leash leaves imprints but at least they show signs that the leash exists.
Given I do love freedom I also enjoy the reason behind its lack here.
Thanks for the love.
Thanks for the freedom and its lack.
Thanks.

Shots

Go ahead and leave
your postscript.
Write it on the walls,
mirrors included.
Blast the doors with atomic guns.
Smithereens and
chipped wood.

If they don't fall,
what makes you think
a giant would?

midnight charades

Let's begin in the middle...
...So, I crawled to the window,
the breeze opened up and
out came the stars.
Such a lovely sight
when all hope is gone
and a silver lining appears.
Hand holding and kisses
taste like silver dollars,
tinfoil but worth more than their appearance.
Listening to old 90s music
will forever make a smile grow. Just give me moments.
Moments are all I need.
Puppy kisses and epic movies.
Little, worthless perhaps, but moments nonetheless.

Bust out a cig and a lighter.
"Smoking is bad for you. It fucks up your life."
"So is being a lil' pussy emo. You don't see me calling you out on that. Oh wait I just did."

Take a breath. 

Close my eyes for a second or two. 

Breathe again. And never fail to remember I am who I am. 

All I can do is give it my all and if that's not enough, well I got my loves.

Imogen Heap

I don't care what you say, I love her music.

Free Write

I'm walking around with a white stained black jacket because my hallmates fail to remove their clothing from the washer.
I get hungry and decide to go to make some Nissin noodles. The stove is layered with oil. Why? I have no clue.
People here are so messy! I'm tired of this shit. Worse part is that I still have about 7 months left in this place. I've never missed home until now. It started about a week ago. Now it's gotten worse.
At first it was just the longing for home but now. Now it's more than that.
I think I'm feeling the way I use to feel. That lingering feeling. I hate to say it but I think I might be in dep. mode again. I'm having these bad ideas again. I look at my pills and my hands go for them. They're just anti-anxiety pills. They're pretty strong for me. One pill causes me to get really tired. My eyes start feeling really heavy. Moving my arms is so easy. They feel so light. That's just one pill. My desire for taking two has become greater. I hate these thoughts because I know they are bad. They're gateway thoughts. I know where they lead and I don't want to go back to that shit but being in this place just makes it worse. I get so angry.
Luckily Walter, Pseudo #1 and my hun make things ten times better.
How much I miss my boy.

Well that was my rant, let's see if I can channel this into a poem. :)

I typed a letter (I)

Dear Jigsaw,
I found your VI actions fairly predictable. HOWEVER I found your spinning-carousel-shotgun trap very very twisted.

-A.A

My favorite key on the keypad is the delete ey.
:/

:(

just pages and pages of meaningless words
strung together by punctuation marks and occasional transitional phrases.
i lost you at the intro.

Your Sword vs My Dagger

Drink the poison when you think it’s over
Stabbing yourself when you think it’s too late
Tragic endings are your thing
You love them
You love letting go
The endings the same
Drink the poison when you think it’s over
inevitable, Verona lives inside of you

     -Silverstein

So.....

the housing application for next year opened up today. You could begin at 7.
Obviously it was going to crash since everyone wants to send it as early as possibly. I put my laptop on my bed, texted my amiga and waited. Clicking refresh every five to 20 minutes. I finally pass out and wake up about...40 minutes ago. I log on and send it in.
Then I log on to facebook and enjoy reading everybody's complains about the application crashing.
What a great way to start a day.....oh I'm a terrible person.
:)

All my complaints shrink to nothing

I'm not a fan of Flyleaf but I've found myself listening to this song consistently throughout the week.

Not about Mr. R

Not even close. This is about me and how happy you make me.
Gracias :)

Boy Trouble?

B: He hasn't called.
A: How many days now?
B: Two. He'll call his friends just to talk about a fucking game but he won't call me.
A: Tell him you love him.
B: What?
A: Better yet text it to him.


(three days later)
B: He called! I texted him I loved him and he called!
A: Jaja. How long did it take him?
B: Well I texted him today so about five seconds. Haha.
A. See? It works better than the pregnancy text.

:D

5:30 AM

Done researching now on to real work.
I'll make sure to go back to my cave before the worms awake.

Free Write

Anytime I am going to just write and use this as, dare I say it, a journal entry I will label it free write.

I'm done. I'm done pretending. I'd love to be able to walk into my common room and say that "Mirkwood is the place to be." But fuck it. I'd be lying.
My schedule really fucked me over. I love my schedule. Love the late classes. However having late classes opposed to most of my hallmates having early classes has led to no bonding time. We're already seven or eight weeks into school. People have already made their "clicks". I don't belong here. I can't go to any other hall. Assimilation is impossible. My plan? Let's join Irvine Queers, let's join that free dance class and exercise like crazy. I need to keep involved.
Half of the people here I feel are either obnoxious or what's the word, oh yes bitches. I never thought I'd actually meet a true bitch.
The other day we had a bonfire. I never felt so fake in my life. I had to pretend I liked everyone's company. It was so hard. Luckily I had a chance to walk on the shore. Got to feel that water hit my pale feet. Almost made the entire thing worth it. But those five minutes quickly passed.
I really can't stand it her. I have to keep telling myself, "I can do this. A couple more months and then I can transfer." That's what keeps me going. I look forward to the weekends because that's when people disappear for awhile. It's terrible. Loving the silence.
I had to write this. Lately I've been feeling as if my patience is close to its breaking point. I fear I will go off on people or end up hurting myself by overdoing something.

What a whiny bitch I am. I apologize for my...complaints.

P.S Happy Day Day :)

Monologue 2: Ethanol

I am not a drinker,
but I like to drink.
A fine glass of Fetzer brings a smile to my aging face.
Vodka isn't so bad.
A mix of V and some other carbonated drink creates a rosey glow on my cheeks.
I won't lie at times of trouble I'd glance up at my cabinet, see that Black Velvet and pour me a round of whiskey.
It was delicious.
I'm not a drinker but I like to drink.
But nowadays I look at these kids. This drink isn't just a beverage. It's an excuse. They think that one bottle of this will grant them with the ability to engage in friendly conversation. The other day my niece had a little party. She's quiet. 21 and quiet. But after two Mikes she was talking to everyone. By the end of the night everyone knew her name. Half of her conversations made no sense.
Kids see these drinks as assurance to be complete imbeciles. This one boy at the party started cursing. I just sat there. Watched him go around, kiss a girl then describe her as the ugliest creature he had ever seen.
All these actions: the cursing, the debauchery. All of these actions would be forgiven the next morning. "He was drunk. No worries. He didn't mean that."
How has such a simple beverage become an excuse to be free?to engage in unmoral behavior?
The day I start drinking to have fun, or to be "crazy", well I,  I hope I'm dead before that day arrives.
Then again I am married at 52 with prostrate cancer. Half of these words might be coming from all those narcotics.
Pass me that brandy dear.

Convos with the Pseudos PART II

Me: Estudiar?
Pseudo #1: Yup! Lemme just say bye to my future gf.

Awwwww :) They grow up so fast
>_<

I prefer the windows up.

How Will I Survive Living in the OC without My Shows?

I have decided.
Every Sunday I will watch a Psych Season on Netflix.
Each Thursday before class I will watch my CW shows.
Dexter on Friday at the latest :)
I just have to keep up.

Oh and I have to start watching Modern Family and Doctor Who.

Convos with the Pseudos PART I

Me: Did you just?
Pseudo #2: Nope.
Me: But you just
Pseudo#2: Nope
Me: You just fucking bit me!

<3 Lorien

high school never ends,
what a pity.

birthdays

Bill: Birthdays are so overrated. The entire day is exactly the same as any other day. You either participate in some form of debauchery or get bored in some other way. After 15 people stop giving you presents. They just come for the food and use you as an excuse to go.
"Not like I have anything better to do." Can you believe the bitch?
The entire day is normal, the only difference?
People keep reminding you how closer to the grave you are. Happy fucking birthday.

My hugs are always free, I just wear the shirt because people tend to forget.

just to take up space

Let's talk about sex.
No wait, that gets boring after awhile.
How about us?
You and I.
Two individuals being referred to as one.
Your name, my name.
They go well together.
A sentence composed of you and I, well that's the greatest sentence of all.
No, no. Not a death sentence although at times it will seem like we'd like to wear each others' skins as jewelry but not that.
This is about us.
Us; you and I.
You know I got a room out back if you really want to make us one word.
Wait wait. I only joke, not really.
This attraction is great.
You listen to the Cure? I listen to the Cure.
What a small world....

See I got this vision in my mind.
It's lovely but such a fright.
For every three steps I take forward I feel like I should be going back.
So clarify if I'm doing it right.
Just one word. That's all I need.
Just one word.
One word.

nov 3 1990

best date ever!