LEFT

This is me going left.
This is me realizing things have gone wrong and accepting it.
This is me accepting perhaps the worst thing a human can ever accept,
failure.
This is me staying awake until the morning, maybe 6AM and making sure I do not wake-up for class.
This is me watching shows and beautiful movies thus filling myself with morals and values easily taught in 40 or 120 minutes.
This is me staring at books filled to the brims with infinite material on stereoisomers, silent mutations and optimization.
This is me not understanding them but
being fascinated by the eloquent words found in books of fiction and leaves.
This is me baking and cooking to hide away the pain brought by the fails.
This is me going left.
This is me enjoying the things I am sure to have and then enjoying them some more.
This is me studying, pacing myself and listening to beautiful music.
This is me realizing the outcome having little effect and hopefully making sure it causes an effect.


I'm going left.

This was too awesome to NOT post

Free Write: Anx

I cannot stress this enough. I miss my brother. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I want to run back home and leave college behind because obviously it isn't working out. I want to fall asleep on my dad's big belly while he reads me some greek literature. I want my mom to hold my hand while my anxiety attacks go crazy. And from my brother? I'm not even sure. I just miss his presence. It's been so long since we've hung out that it feels like years. I want the old times. I want to have my brother teaching me how to skate. I want some tender moment with my brother, but that's hard.
I miss my family. I want them near me. I want them yelling at me, pushing me to be better. I want them nagging at me for leaving the light on. I want them complaining about my attitude. I want them near me.
And I for some reason I don't deserve to go home. I don't deserve their company. I've been lying to them since day one. Thing's aren't "ok". They aren't "alright".
Fuck I miss them so much.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: Go Left

I read somewhere that when nothing goes right, you should go left.
I'm going left.
-ChesterYaYa

To know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong.

This will be my response when confronted with a monster

Of course without the smoking part.

My home

As I sit, hearing you complain about the length of this song, I am comforted by the idea that somewhere, you do not exist.
That place is my home.
There I don't suffer from your intrusions.
The only thing that could possibly intrude, is a happy thought
or a butterfly.
That is my home,
and once you cease your rapping, I will escape to my home.

"Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not."
         -Brand New

Why I Hate My Birthday

Because things go wrong on my birthday.
Because everybody forgets my birthday.
Because those who do remember are "notified".
Because deep down I want to have a great birthday were all the people I care about come over to my house and bring me gifts and love, a birthday were I am not forgotten and were I can have fun, a birthday were people actually care about me and aren't just there to "kill time".
Because deep down I want to have a great day but my hopes are so high that they literally kill me.
I hate my birthday
and it's partially my fault.

not true

i love you
don't make me regret that
i trust you
don't make me change that
so when you come home leave the burdens at the door
leave the smell and kisses with the whore
drop off only what you left with
and if you plan to return with Xtras
don't even pass the front gate

Finally looks the way I wanted it to :] And was pretty yummy :]

Still Agree With This

I'm pretty surprised how amazingly smart a stupid person can be.

Pseudo!!!

Today my Pseudo brought me my late late b-day present. It was so awesome. I cried. He's such a great friend and one day I will hopefully be able to repay him.

Dad Text Convo

Me: It's beautiful morning!
Dad: It sure is. It is also Adam's song.
Me: I know! wake him with it for me. Love ya Dad!
Dad: I will certainly do it.

:] My Bro is going to hate me today, that's cool. Not like he's been trying to talk to me lately.
I love Dad :]

The QUEER SPACE

I'll never belong.
Behind the meetings and social gatherings,
behind the essence of unity,
I will never belong.
I don't belong.
I'm not queer enough.
No longer an ally,
I don't make sense.
I'm stuck, somewhere jammed
between the new and the old.
It's the forgotten.
Alone, among you, I fall.

T

I

M

B

E

R

But when among this space,

sometimes, I feel a part.

I'm a color that doesn't feel part of the spectrum.

I came in too late,

season two of the season ones.

I've lived in a cave too long.

No matter how much I help, how loud I am, how cute I am, 

 I will not belong

Miss Mad Wind a.k.a Me

 Grey. Hazy. A single rain drop, amongst the thousands whose journey begins between the dense, heavy clouds, lands on my forehead. The wind rustiling the leaves, moving the branches, almost as if the tree were waving. A sudden cool caress across my cheek and I smile. She is here I think. I look up and realize, Anni is nowhere to be found..... Where art thou Miss Mad Wind! lol....


 -Mister Walrus

My Priorities as of Right Now

1. Shows/Movies
2. Irvine Queers
3. School
4. Work
5. Friends

I think it is time to turn things around. Friends are at the bottom because I don't really talk to any of my friends. We are all busy. I honestly only talk to my roommate on a day to day basis. So if she isn't here I don't talk to anybody. Beyond the random text, that's about it.
School and work definitely needs to be bumped up and now The Vagina Monologues needs to be added, that is if I get a callback.
-ChesterYaYa

s c r a t c h

I keep scratching.
Something just tells me it's right, even though it probably isn't.
Even after the small red lines appear and form into bumps,
after the small dots begin to show up,
after the continuous itch,
I just feel it in my gut.
So I keep scratching. And eventually,
I forget about it. About it ever happening
but then,
when I'm in the bathroom and the time comes for me to wash my hands, I feel it all over.
The burn. I feel it and it hurts
and suddenly, I need to scratch again.

thank you friend

sadasjdsajd I cannot describe the happiness I feel every time I see this picture >_<

Flowers for Anni

I love receiving flowers but I always get sad with them. They're such beautiful beings and I have to watch them decay. :/

The idea of satisfaction makes me smile.
So let's do this now.

Free Write: Craving

It's been 3 months since I've smoked a cigarette. It was around this same time last year that I began to smoke. It's not like I was an avid smoker. I mean come on, from November till August I had only smoked six maybe seven. But now, right now I crave one so bad.
My anxiety has been through the roof and for some reason I've been feeling lonelier than ever.

It's such a gorgeous night. I feel like going for a walk. Taking a nap in the park. Laying down and looking up at the scary but beautiful night. And sometime during that adventure, a smoke.
I laugh at myself. Calling it a delicate state. I'm even having other food cravings. It's like I'm pregnant.

-ChesterYaYa

"But, of course, there is more at work here than just the courage to stand and focus. There is also the courage to face and shape the subject in an extremely original manner." 

             -House of Leaves

Why I keep watching Breaking Bad

He's just so amazing :]

Pen Pal

I want to write to someone. I'd like to try my cursive skills since I love writing that way. Email me for my address. :]
You'll get that by looking at my profile.

-ChesterYaYa

lo que falto

Aquí no hay ningún arco iris.

Solamente llueve, y llueve.

Las calles se llenan y la gente se queda en sus casitas.

La agua,

The water mixes with all the scum found on the streets. 

Y así se queda

Llueve y llueve y después de unos días la gente se olvidara del sol

Pero un día regresara el sol.

Y ese día,

solamente ese día causara una gran alteración.

Everyone will forget about the rain.

Y cada día después de ese día, nadie pensara en ese día en cual la lluvia lleno las calles.

No pensaran en ese día, cuando lo único que falto fue ese magnifico arco iris.

Free Write : An Ensemble on my Anniversary of Life

Damn these people for making me cry. I'm too emotional this week.
-ChesterYaYa

3:02 PM

It's always the same. Every year I always try to miss this day. I try to sleep the entire day off, but I never can. I always feel sad. Depression and anxiety hit me super hard this day.

-ChesterYaYa

"...she wants me to know her but I already do. People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be."

      -Don Draper (Mad Men) 

camita

 I love my bed. It's such a good friend. 

There when I need to relax, when I'm stressing out. 

It's there when I need warmth and consoling. I can always count on my bed.

No te quedes mirando con esa tentación.
Tus ojos dicen todo, pero deja que tus labios hablen.
Ellos quieren hablar,
yo quiero que hablen.
No lo aguanto. No quiero que me mires si esa sonrisa miente.
Dime con tu corazón, con tu mente la verdad.
No se que ha cambiado. Quizás yo.
Quizás tu.
Pero te quiero tanto, esto no puede existir sin la verdad.
Aunque tus palabras duelan, las necesito.
Me urge.