Pardon me as I burn

I haven't been writing. Every time I try, I come up with terrible sentences. My ideas are all jambeled. My words are just loosely strung together in a line. Continuity was written about three years ago, I just finally had the urge to post it. Reviewing it I realize it's terrible. There's so much I could fix but I haven't. The only thing holding me back is fear of writi something worse.
Well this is just an update. Just letting anyone and everyone know that his human is running out of juice.
-ChesterYaYa

I learned to love the fool in me. The one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.
-Theodore Issac Rubin

The Walking Dead

You don't get to do that, to to come into somebody's life. Make them care and then just check out.

 -Dale

Realizations of the Day:

1. I am a terrible writer.
2. I love you so much I am going to wake up early today so you can abduct me :)
3. Clonazepam for the win.

Heed Your Words

People have got to stop calling me the smart one in the family. I really am not. Take a look at my grades and you'll see.
Need to start looking at other majors, continuing with mine seems.......like a waste.

House of Leaves

Myth makes Echo the subject of longing and desire. Physics makes echo the subject of distance and design. Where emotion and reason are concerned both are accurate. And where there is no Echo there is no description of space or love. There is only silence.

-Mark Z. Danielewski

Dear Santa and all his elves,

I want hugs and lots of love.
However shampoo and underwear would be nice. A hippogriff as well.
If you could manage to get me a piggy that'd be fantastic BUT if you can't then hugs will do. :)


Love,
ChesterYaYa :)

Continuity

                   The rain was pouring down, soaking everything in its path. Nothing was safe, but me. I was inside. I was protected. I was sheltered. Nothing could hurt me.

            Confined in the classroom I watched. Watched the teacher. Listening, eager to learn. My small pale hands in front of me, my head resting on the desk. My signature pose.

            It was story time. My favorite time. Time to fill my naïve mind with cuentos de hadas, fairy tales. Happy endings. Weddings. Prince charming. The never ending love story.

            But my happy time was interrupted. Interrupted by the shadow.

            Heavy steps. Big and tall. Couldn’t possibly be the Principal. Who was it? It approached the door and my interest in the story subsided. It didn’t matter. The ending was obvious. The boy was going to be saved and he would live happily ever after. Death was avoidable. It didn’t matter.          

Two knocks.

Mrs. Prunty paused. She walked to the door. Time for the revealing of the shadow. The door opened. The shadow stepped in. It was…my dad?

A sense of anticipation struck me. I was leaving. But why? I didn’t have a clue but I knew what I had to do. Pack up and go with Dad.

Did I have an appointment? Dentist? Doctor? Why was he here?

Words were exchanged. No smiles. Dad always smiled. There was always that twinkle in his eye. That twinkle that let you know that everything was alright. It was gone. This was serious. Then I knew, something was wrong.

Please don’t be mom. Please don’t be mom.
            They walked over to me.

“Anaiz, you’re going home.”

That’s all she said. Nothing more.

Please don’t be mom. Please don’t be mom.

He took my things and we walked home.

Story time was over.

Looking up at his face, I tried to figure it out. Tried to make sense of everything. What happened? Why was I going home?

“Is mom okay?”

“She’s fine…look we have to go to L.A. Something happened…”

“Okay.”

That was it. Nothing more.

I walked behind him, taking big steps. Trying to keep up.

His head was down. He was sad. That couldn’t be. It’s not right. We are the Alegrias. The “Happies.” We can’t be sad.

The walk home wasn’t long but the silence killed.

Home wasn’t home.

Entering the house I could feel the tension, that negative tension. Mom was home, so was Adam. She was on the couch, head drooping being consoled by Adam. I don’t get it. What’s going on?!?!

“Ya llego. Anaiz ven, come sit down.” I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to hear my mother’s words.  I was afraid. I didn’t want to know…but the words still came.

“Anaiz, nos vamos a ir a Los Ángeles. Tu abuelita está muy enferma y parece que Diosito se la llevo. Está en el cielo con tu abuelito Pancho.”

A thousand emotions rushed through me and I was left with only one. I was numb. I didn’t understand. Was I supposed to cry? Laugh? Get angry? I didn’t get it. How was an eight year old supposed to react after hearing that their grandma was dead? What was I supposed to do?

The drive to L.A. was awkward. Quiet and strange. We all refrained from saying anything. Refrained from touching the silence, as if it were sacred.

Pulling up to the driveway I could see that everyone was already there. We were the last ones to come.

 I didn’t want to enter the house.  From my perspective it looked haunting. Dead. Alone. Empty. A perfect place for a séance. Oh the irony. I still didn’t want to go in. But I did.

Everyone was looking at me. It was like walking into a classroom after everyone was told you were the bad guy. Was I the bad guy?

Grandpa was in the other room. He was crying. Crying so hard. I couldn’t believe it.

“She was coughing all night. She went to sleep and around 5:30 am, she stopped coughing. Thinking she didn’t get any sleep during the night, I let her sleep, didn’t wake her. Around 7:30 am I called her, told her to come and drink her coffee. She didn’t reply. That’s when I went to see her and I saw. She was dead. I never imagined she would be dead.”

July 17, 2ooo-Funeral Day

I got in the car and went to pay my respects. I still couldn’t feel anything. No pain. No tears. Still numb. I cried but not for my grandma. I cried for Mom, for Dad, for everyone else. I could feel their sadness. I could feel it.

The church was full. Half of the faces seemed unfamiliar. I didn’t even try to recognize their faces. I just sat. Sat and waited. Sat through the whole thing.

I became a robot. I followed the directions given by the Father. Please stand. I stood. You may now sit down. I sat down.

Then there came the part where I didn’t know what to do.

“Anaiz ven, vamos a decirle adiós a tu Grandma.”

Say goodbye? What? No! That’s not how it goes. This is a game. Death is a game. Right? I was so wrong.

We approached the casket. Something was lying there. It was her. I stopped. I was scared. My mom pulled me along. No. We kneeled before her. No. That’s when I saw. That’s when I finally understood what Dead was. What its meaning meant. It meant gone. Cold. Frozen. Gone...forever.

That’s when reality stepped in.

The makeup didn’t help. So intense. The colors. The reds. The whites. She portrayed the meaning well. Mom was crying.

Then we laid her down to sleep, for eternity. People kept crying after the funeral. I just watched. No longer numb I was petrified. How could a word hold so much meaning? Is death indeed a parenthesis? I was just confused.

Fairy tales no longer existed. They evaporated with the tears. Life as I knew it had no meaning. It seemed as if every day, every moment we were just waiting for that period. Waiting for that period to end the sentence we knew called life. I know I do.

“Seems like everything we knew
Turned out were never even true
Some say we're better off without
Knowing what life is all about
I'm sure they'll never realize the way
It's too late
Somehow it's different everyday
In some ways it never fades away.”

-Sum 41 Some Say

Driving

So I don't have a license. However I do have a permit that expired about....5 years ago.
I really don't like driving. I can't stay alert. It'd be nice if at least I were a good driver but I don't like driving so there is no improvement. It's a vicious cycle. I will improve..eventually. I have to. My Mom needs a chauffeur.

Kid Convo I

Kid: Thank you! :)
Me: For what?!
Kid: For being so cute and adorable :D
Me: Ohh..okie dokie dokes! That is I!
Kid: Yeah bc if you werent then i wouldnt have liked you initially and i wouldnt have downloaded music by the cure and i wouldnt have discovered that i love "just like heaven". :D so thank you!
Me: Jajaaja >_< you're welcome :)
Kid: Youre awesome! This song just puts me in a really good mood. :D
Me: Jaja. Thats not me, that The Cure. Thank them :)
Kid: All of the above. :) bc you usually put me in a good mood too.
Me: That I do, that I do.


:)

Although

I enjoy a good gory film,
although I do appreciate a movie that leads up to an amazing crazy-ass kill.

Christmas Jingles, my way :)

Original: We wish you a merry christmas
My Version: I like my boyfriend

I like R_____ R_____
I like R_____ R_____
he's yummy and scrumptious
and sitting right here
Good tidings to you, I hope you come back.
I like my boyfriend, and I miss him right now


Oh bring me a little piggy.
Oh bring me a little piggy
Oh bring me a little piggy and more miso soup.

I won't go until you kiss me
I won't go until you kiss me
I won't go until you kiss me so kiss me right here

I like R_____ R_____
I like R_____ R_____
I like R_____ R_____ and he makes me happy.


Explanation:
This song began when he came over to see me. He brought me miso soup :)
I am extra strange when sick. Humming the original tune led to this.

Time

When hours feel like days you know something is up.

You make all of our hours together feel like days and every minute without you feels like years.
-muah-

love love kiss kiss blah blah

lips like sugar
lips like morphine
lips none the better
with one intention; to purge

I call this blah blah. I call this kisses. I call it us.

because I have weak eyes

FYI

I just wanted to let you guys all know,
my tummy hurts.

It's going brrrrooooombrrrroooom brrrrrooooom.

Xs and Os

it's called a crush.
a possible road to disaster,
compared to roses and sometimes waves.
it can lift you so high, on a constant buzz
and then tear you down resembling mad children at a piñata party.
but two emotions guaranteed;
a great empty and a great fill
with, you get the great fill
without, you get the great empty.
as long as the great fill may last it never seems long enough.
days, hours, consecutive hours seem to hold so much less.

cherish moments.
each second
each breath hoping that they are followed by millions more.
drink that beer, it only makes kisses more intoxicating
watch them sway, just return
don't stray

kiss&hugs

snipets

Original song is Contagious by Trapt
Now here are the snipets.
Sorry for destroying the song.

You're so contagious.
Running through my veins.
You're so contagious.
Hanging on to every word.

I don't want nobody else.
You keep running through my veins.

in response to the boom boom

It seems dramatic and like I killed someone. In my eyes I felt like I did. I killed a small itty bitty giant. Small enough that he could easily go unnoticed, big enough to cause some ruckus.

And now I disappear into the world found underneath my bed :)

Hmmm

I see pictures of girls with their shirts half torn. Side boob glimpses everywhere. Leggings torn.
I see those layers of dark red lipstick and beautiful smokey eye look and for a second I have to admit I want to start dressing like that daily but then I realize that's alot of tearing.
I'll stick to my lovely dress code :)
It's partly derived from all those looks, just lasts 10x longer.

broken record perhaps?

Look I've done bad things in my life. Really bad things. Things others would regret. Do I? No. The choices I make are who I am. To say I regret doing them would mean I regret being me. And truth be told I don't.

boom boom ba

I drop a bomb. You quiver but remain near.
What radiation I don't absorb from the remains you accept openly.
I fear getting close.
I reek of contamination
a simple touch, breath could destroy
yet you encourage a meeting.
What makes you crazy enough to admire a half withered bud?

seven

December
January
Febuary
March
April
May
June

Seven more months. I can do this.

Psuedo

Me: I'm going to commit suicide!!!!
Psuedo: What?! No?!
Me: Why?
Psuedo: 'Cause they are gonna ask me if you showed signs of suicide and I'm gonna say yeah..
(pause)

Pseudo: She told me.

the boy with the orange socks :)

All those words.

Each phrase uttered never scared me.

None even caused a single tremble down my spine.

But one.

Motel.

Frozen. Resembling a deer about to be smashed by a semi.

Even icicles aren't this still.

Then came the entrance and it all melted away.

Every little worry, every little insignificant rogue train of thought disappeared.

Calm and secure.

Something given which lacked greatly.

Comfort.

Something felt which few can provide.

These words may change in months, weeks or days but one thing is for sure.

Orange is a beautiful color.

To Mr. R :)

I'll think of some witty cute lines to place on here.
They'll be directed at you. Who knows maybe I can get a smile on your face through a screen.
A temporary thing. I'll see you soon.
Until then rest assured you are always on my mind.


And to those who disapprove as a Darko said "Go suck a fuck."

Chevelle :)

Hold onto chance
Lest we bleed ourselves
Then save for the pets
They're the loneliest,

Put into jars
We'll save this Earth
Put into jars
We'll save the Earth

We can't both become the same pawn
That's made to fall
Oil that taste like
Blood stole the summer scent
From me to you
You're stabbing me through you
You're stabbing you through him
And betting most of
This world
We'll add enough of the world

Steal from yourselves
It never felt so good
And fit from their hand's
Confuse by opposites

Monologue 2: i wish i knew

There's something about you that simply fascinates me.
Not sure what it is.
But it's got me thinking about you constantly. The other day I walked into a fucking pole. A pole. Cylindrical. Tall. Blue. It was a full on pole, and I walked into it. The last time I accidentally walked into something I was under the Mexican stars in San Luis drinking a bottle of mezcal.
With you it's different.  It's not the drugs, I could get those off anyone. Just sitting on that cum filled couch is fine. Staring at your fucking dog is fine. That is as long as you're around. You disappear and that couch goes back to being a disgusting cum filled, full on hillbilly ridden couch. But you around and shit seems good.
At ease. What's that word? That word your grandma said, your cuz plays that song that just repeats the word. Errie? Nah. Irie. That one. Well yeah everything is irie.
You one fascinating, good-looking bitch. And I mean bitch with the utmost respect.
Why you smiling? What? Yeah I got words. Shit girl. I'm fancy huh?

So....the truth came out

"You went from a kid to me!
Why?! Why?! Why?! "

Best reaction from my brother ever. :)
I'm glad he knows.

KILL the turkey and OVER eat Day

I have purpose in my house.
I have place.
It may not be what I like, but I enjoy it.
I may be labeled as one thing, but I like having the label.
I may be in full disorder here, but I love the mess.
The arguments, the cussing, every little aspect of home I like.
Yes, the leash leaves imprints but at least they show signs that the leash exists.
Given I do love freedom I also enjoy the reason behind its lack here.
Thanks for the love.
Thanks for the freedom and its lack.
Thanks.

Shots

Go ahead and leave
your postscript.
Write it on the walls,
mirrors included.
Blast the doors with atomic guns.
Smithereens and
chipped wood.

If they don't fall,
what makes you think
a giant would?

midnight charades

Let's begin in the middle...
...So, I crawled to the window,
the breeze opened up and
out came the stars.
Such a lovely sight
when all hope is gone
and a silver lining appears.
Hand holding and kisses
taste like silver dollars,
tinfoil but worth more than their appearance.
Listening to old 90s music
will forever make a smile grow. Just give me moments.
Moments are all I need.
Puppy kisses and epic movies.
Little, worthless perhaps, but moments nonetheless.

Bust out a cig and a lighter.
"Smoking is bad for you. It fucks up your life."
"So is being a lil' pussy emo. You don't see me calling you out on that. Oh wait I just did."

Take a breath. 

Close my eyes for a second or two. 

Breathe again. And never fail to remember I am who I am. 

All I can do is give it my all and if that's not enough, well I got my loves.

Imogen Heap

I don't care what you say, I love her music.

Free Write

I'm walking around with a white stained black jacket because my hallmates fail to remove their clothing from the washer.
I get hungry and decide to go to make some Nissin noodles. The stove is layered with oil. Why? I have no clue.
People here are so messy! I'm tired of this shit. Worse part is that I still have about 7 months left in this place. I've never missed home until now. It started about a week ago. Now it's gotten worse.
At first it was just the longing for home but now. Now it's more than that.
I think I'm feeling the way I use to feel. That lingering feeling. I hate to say it but I think I might be in dep. mode again. I'm having these bad ideas again. I look at my pills and my hands go for them. They're just anti-anxiety pills. They're pretty strong for me. One pill causes me to get really tired. My eyes start feeling really heavy. Moving my arms is so easy. They feel so light. That's just one pill. My desire for taking two has become greater. I hate these thoughts because I know they are bad. They're gateway thoughts. I know where they lead and I don't want to go back to that shit but being in this place just makes it worse. I get so angry.
Luckily Walter, Pseudo #1 and my hun make things ten times better.
How much I miss my boy.

Well that was my rant, let's see if I can channel this into a poem. :)

I typed a letter (I)

Dear Jigsaw,
I found your VI actions fairly predictable. HOWEVER I found your spinning-carousel-shotgun trap very very twisted.

-A.A

My favorite key on the keypad is the delete ey.
:/

:(

just pages and pages of meaningless words
strung together by punctuation marks and occasional transitional phrases.
i lost you at the intro.

Your Sword vs My Dagger

Drink the poison when you think it’s over
Stabbing yourself when you think it’s too late
Tragic endings are your thing
You love them
You love letting go
The endings the same
Drink the poison when you think it’s over
inevitable, Verona lives inside of you

     -Silverstein

So.....

the housing application for next year opened up today. You could begin at 7.
Obviously it was going to crash since everyone wants to send it as early as possibly. I put my laptop on my bed, texted my amiga and waited. Clicking refresh every five to 20 minutes. I finally pass out and wake up about...40 minutes ago. I log on and send it in.
Then I log on to facebook and enjoy reading everybody's complains about the application crashing.
What a great way to start a day.....oh I'm a terrible person.
:)

All my complaints shrink to nothing

I'm not a fan of Flyleaf but I've found myself listening to this song consistently throughout the week.

Not about Mr. R

Not even close. This is about me and how happy you make me.
Gracias :)

Boy Trouble?

B: He hasn't called.
A: How many days now?
B: Two. He'll call his friends just to talk about a fucking game but he won't call me.
A: Tell him you love him.
B: What?
A: Better yet text it to him.


(three days later)
B: He called! I texted him I loved him and he called!
A: Jaja. How long did it take him?
B: Well I texted him today so about five seconds. Haha.
A. See? It works better than the pregnancy text.

:D

5:30 AM

Done researching now on to real work.
I'll make sure to go back to my cave before the worms awake.

Free Write

Anytime I am going to just write and use this as, dare I say it, a journal entry I will label it free write.

I'm done. I'm done pretending. I'd love to be able to walk into my common room and say that "Mirkwood is the place to be." But fuck it. I'd be lying.
My schedule really fucked me over. I love my schedule. Love the late classes. However having late classes opposed to most of my hallmates having early classes has led to no bonding time. We're already seven or eight weeks into school. People have already made their "clicks". I don't belong here. I can't go to any other hall. Assimilation is impossible. My plan? Let's join Irvine Queers, let's join that free dance class and exercise like crazy. I need to keep involved.
Half of the people here I feel are either obnoxious or what's the word, oh yes bitches. I never thought I'd actually meet a true bitch.
The other day we had a bonfire. I never felt so fake in my life. I had to pretend I liked everyone's company. It was so hard. Luckily I had a chance to walk on the shore. Got to feel that water hit my pale feet. Almost made the entire thing worth it. But those five minutes quickly passed.
I really can't stand it her. I have to keep telling myself, "I can do this. A couple more months and then I can transfer." That's what keeps me going. I look forward to the weekends because that's when people disappear for awhile. It's terrible. Loving the silence.
I had to write this. Lately I've been feeling as if my patience is close to its breaking point. I fear I will go off on people or end up hurting myself by overdoing something.

What a whiny bitch I am. I apologize for my...complaints.

P.S Happy Day Day :)

Monologue 2: Ethanol

I am not a drinker,
but I like to drink.
A fine glass of Fetzer brings a smile to my aging face.
Vodka isn't so bad.
A mix of V and some other carbonated drink creates a rosey glow on my cheeks.
I won't lie at times of trouble I'd glance up at my cabinet, see that Black Velvet and pour me a round of whiskey.
It was delicious.
I'm not a drinker but I like to drink.
But nowadays I look at these kids. This drink isn't just a beverage. It's an excuse. They think that one bottle of this will grant them with the ability to engage in friendly conversation. The other day my niece had a little party. She's quiet. 21 and quiet. But after two Mikes she was talking to everyone. By the end of the night everyone knew her name. Half of her conversations made no sense.
Kids see these drinks as assurance to be complete imbeciles. This one boy at the party started cursing. I just sat there. Watched him go around, kiss a girl then describe her as the ugliest creature he had ever seen.
All these actions: the cursing, the debauchery. All of these actions would be forgiven the next morning. "He was drunk. No worries. He didn't mean that."
How has such a simple beverage become an excuse to be free?to engage in unmoral behavior?
The day I start drinking to have fun, or to be "crazy", well I,  I hope I'm dead before that day arrives.
Then again I am married at 52 with prostrate cancer. Half of these words might be coming from all those narcotics.
Pass me that brandy dear.

Convos with the Pseudos PART II

Me: Estudiar?
Pseudo #1: Yup! Lemme just say bye to my future gf.

Awwwww :) They grow up so fast
>_<

I prefer the windows up.

How Will I Survive Living in the OC without My Shows?

I have decided.
Every Sunday I will watch a Psych Season on Netflix.
Each Thursday before class I will watch my CW shows.
Dexter on Friday at the latest :)
I just have to keep up.

Oh and I have to start watching Modern Family and Doctor Who.

Convos with the Pseudos PART I

Me: Did you just?
Pseudo #2: Nope.
Me: But you just
Pseudo#2: Nope
Me: You just fucking bit me!

<3 Lorien

high school never ends,
what a pity.

birthdays

Bill: Birthdays are so overrated. The entire day is exactly the same as any other day. You either participate in some form of debauchery or get bored in some other way. After 15 people stop giving you presents. They just come for the food and use you as an excuse to go.
"Not like I have anything better to do." Can you believe the bitch?
The entire day is normal, the only difference?
People keep reminding you how closer to the grave you are. Happy fucking birthday.

My hugs are always free, I just wear the shirt because people tend to forget.

just to take up space

Let's talk about sex.
No wait, that gets boring after awhile.
How about us?
You and I.
Two individuals being referred to as one.
Your name, my name.
They go well together.
A sentence composed of you and I, well that's the greatest sentence of all.
No, no. Not a death sentence although at times it will seem like we'd like to wear each others' skins as jewelry but not that.
This is about us.
Us; you and I.
You know I got a room out back if you really want to make us one word.
Wait wait. I only joke, not really.
This attraction is great.
You listen to the Cure? I listen to the Cure.
What a small world....

See I got this vision in my mind.
It's lovely but such a fright.
For every three steps I take forward I feel like I should be going back.
So clarify if I'm doing it right.
Just one word. That's all I need.
Just one word.
One word.

nov 3 1990

best date ever!

I didn't know flying could be so terrifying

love and friendship
why do you make me choose only one?
why do you make me choose, when you know I'm not going to go for love?
why do you think if choosing friendship means not caring?
why do you think I would?

I shouldn't have to choose friendship and have to relinquish caring.

warning

I came with a warning sign.
I told you you were going to get hurt.
I was blunt and not descrete.

You received pain, as I had told you you would.
You said you had changed.
What shocks me more is how quickly your love turned to hate.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I proved myself right.

"So if you love me, let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there."

-Slipknot

frases para ti (II)

...mil pedazos
Un pedacito de amor cada día.
Una tentación y una falsa promesa,
hechos en nuditos y metido en un pañuelo
puesto en tu bolsillo.Ahí lo encontré, cerca de tu pecho.
No ves?
La otra puta lo dejo.

frases para ti

mis ojos me arden
mi cabeza me da vueltas,
para dormir en tu cama
necesito unas muletas.
después de tres horas
se hace un infeierno.
un milagro que aquí ‘stamos dentro.


para ver necesito tus labios
para dormir tu vaho
aunque no lo quieras
me das mil…..

:(

When feeling like this,
sometimes the best thing to do is study.

"Off! Off! Off, with his head!" screamed Alice.
And the Hatter just laughed.
The Queen of Hearts had lent her ways.

I could get use to this.

So hooked even fooling around with others it so unsatisfying.
They could do the same fucking thing and yet, nothing.
Makes seeing them so much better.
Word from the wise, don't ever get hooked one someone.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/famewhore/4394173888/

anything

anything you want
anything the world has to offer
i can give you
if you just reach out to me
take my hand
everything a kiss cannot bring
i will give you
if you just say you will

and it's freedom
in my arms
and it's freedom in my arms
in my arms
in my arms
in my arms
anything you want
anything this world has to offer
i can give you
all this world and his glories
i will give it all to you
take my hand
if you just say you will

anything you want
it's in my arms
anything you need
it's in my arms
anything you want it's in my arms
anything you need it's in my
loving arms
in my arms
in my arms
in my arms
-Danzig

Pan:

In the forest and among the fauna

a lonely faun resided

Pan was his name, and trickery was his game.

Pan would lure and play his lyre

like orpheus, only much more clear

but unlike anyone else, he had much fun

running on and about in the sun

until a man had him in sight.

Stretched his arm and pulled on the trigger

a devastating blow to pan he delivered

and as the flora and fauna turned to gray,

pan began his rest that day.

-J.V

smile mesmerizing

eyes tantalizing

as beautiful as can be

my intentions sincere

believe me ill be clear

my words not shallow

and no tricks are to follow

i like you anaiz

belive it to be true

dont care if i hurt

if i ache

if i cry

worth so much more

than i can ever hope to give

and if the sun burns my wings

as i fly up high

for you gave me the sky

-J.V

:)

I'm not much of a Superman fan;
Batman woos me.
BUT if you're my Superman, you can be my favorite DC hero.

hallmate

Christian: You'd love my cousin.
Me: I would? would he buy me pie?
Christian: Yeah from Burger King.
Me:WWhaaat?!
jajaja

 

he later shunned me :(

selectivity is a bitch

500 letters
10,000 compliments
these words are nothing to you
just annoying glimpse and phrases.
if said by another,
possibly more handsome
then they'd woo you.
but I'm not.
my shoulders aren't wide enough,
my arms not big enough,
my eyes don't have that hint of sea green.
i'm just a kind pauper begging for his queen.

i could be dressed in riches;
have gold oozing from these dreaded veins but that would never be enough.
in your eyes i'd never be that one prince with the blue eyes.
that one stallion with the strength of a god.
as long as i wasn't him
my words
my actions
my love for you would go unnoticed and unattended.
a red rose, wilting to the absence of water.

my eyes will lock onto yours but they will never gaze upon what he sees when looking into your beautiful stars
i am a pauper
a prince forever disguised in clothing you have no interest in

your silence is beautiful

I don't like you.

I really don't.

You see these earphones? I wear them not to listen to music or hear a video. It's to avoid every sound you make, every fake gasp, every thought you just so happened to say out loud.

You see these scars? 

Burn scars. They were ironed onto my body the day I pressed my skin against the burning truck. The sun had scorched the red paint away. You were edging closer and closer to me.

You to my left and the 150 degree metal to my right....and I choose the metal.

I can't stand you. Every time I see you my body's fight or flight reaction takes place. I want to run to that maggot infested meat freezer where the howls of Hades' victims can be heard. I'd much rather hide there.

And when you're not here oh how I adore each echo.

The walls seem to be ten feet taller. The breeze ten degrees cooler. The beats with more rhythm. You honestly don't know how much I love you not being here.

Who knows maybe later I'll regret everything...

but then again...

they say the bottom of the ocean is beautiful.

:) Mr. Vargas

not "cute", not "hot", not "mainstream beauty", you're a different breed of beauty :)

Let's sum it up.
Whenever I'm not talking to you I feel terrible.
In need of your attention.
But as soon as you're there I feel like I'm a nuisance.

Want to know the good thing?
They say it's common in teens.

Want to know what I believe?
It's you, a common side effect

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts."

     -Eminem

I have condoms.
I take pills.
Don't hate.

pretentious shit

This isn't a post about you...

...

but if it were it would read beauty.

New Perspective :)

So......
just came back from visiting my adoptive family in TJ. They are so loving and inspiring. Even though they have taken on my mother and I as another resource to obtain objects, I still find myself liking them. I'm actually growing fond of the damn bastards.
It was so adorable. The little boy, my "cousin" he gave me a balloon. He found it hilarious that he could blow it up and I well couldn't. His name is Jorge.
The older one, he's turning ten this Saturday, is so smart. Mama Lina, his grandma, is hard on him but I understand why. His name is Pedro.
Now the one that gives awesome hugs!! Jaja. Adrian, he's a sweetheart. Have no clue how old he is but he's cool. Plus he has an awesome smile.  Well they all do.
:)
Mama Lina is so naive, it's adorable. She reminds me so much of my blood-grandma.
Her house reeks of their poverty. I seriously want to take all the movie I received from financial aid and fix their house. Then watch it grow into this beautiful home.
It sucks that I won't be able to see them for at least a month. However when I come back I'm going to bring presents. I'll be Santa Anni.

-Chester

:)

http://operationbeautiful.com/

Monologue 1: coming clean

You treat me like a kid because I am a kid. And I'll always be a kid to you.
That isn't going to drastically change one day. It will always be the same.
And....
I act like this because it's easier to hate than to love. Loving someone means that you have to put up with their shit and try to understand them.  Hating someone,..that's that's just different.
You can simply walk away.
Be rude.
Not give two shits.
I've decided.

I hate my ways, I've tried to change.                   I honestly have. I know me being in this position makes it seem like I haven't but I have. I've tried to change but I can't. Over & over & over.
No success.
 
I'm just a scared little kid. I'm scared about 80% of the fucking time.What's going to happen? How do I know this? You know those compulsive crazy thoughts. Terrible things they are.

I'm just so scared.
My place on this earth has brought more bad than good. I mean look I'm holding a fucking knife.
It's not pointed at me. It's pointed at you. At all the bitches in this world.
People remember the bad....and that's what I bring.


And that's why I want to die.

But get this. I'm such a coward I can't even do that. I can't even point this blade at myself. That's why I leave my thoughts to that. I picture my own suicide.  I find comfort in my own death.
Now, let's get this over with. You're starting to squirm.

fighting for nothing

Ive got my words. I hope they hurt you.
I hope they scar you. I hope they heal you.
I hope they cut you open,
make you see youve been warring
for all the wrong reasons.
-Meg & Dia

facebook IM with hubby

3:10am
Anaiz

honey???

mijo?

love?

dear?

EDGAR!!!

He fell asleep on me. Oh I love facebook IM and iChat convos.

camaleón

sonrisa de fuego,
voz de miel.
ay joven me fascina tu piel.
ojos de lluvia
fuerza de dios.
yo te vi desaparecer,

pero aguanta.
dolor mudo,
puños vendados,
después vienen los llantos de perdón

doctor!
doctor!
el miedo que creas.
pero está bien.
me encanta tus labios pefumados de cerveza,
de cerveza y sudor.
me encanta ver la agua circular el desagüe,
me encanta ver el tinte rojo.

me encanta tus labios sabor cerveza.

Dumpster Sex Part2

Just walk away.
No persistence is needed.
I have negated it all.

But you keep coming back.
Spit everywhere.
Just as determined.
But I have said no.
Understand.I don't want this.

Just stop.
Walk away.
Keep you paws away.
They're aren't coming off.
This rag will stay on.

Don't turn me around.
Your eyes fright me.
But they give me hope.
Perhaps the real you will come back.
Unless..this is you.

The wind keeps pushing.
Your hands are cold.
Turn away.
I don't want this.

Dumpster Sex

Recycling bin.
Check.
Smelly dumpster.
Check.
Black gum littering the asphalt.
Check.

Sex by the dumpster.
Forget it.
Your eyes are so needy.
You want me.
You see me;
but you don't.

Your hand reaches out.
I won't go anywhere near.

My eyes don't reflect the same.
They only want this situation to be over.

Open the phone.
Close it.
Time is passing.
You want me now.

But I don't agree.

I see something in your eyes.
It's frightening.
Didn't think I'd find him so soon.

Trash.
Check.
Bugs.
Check.
Dirt.
Check.
My respect for you.
Forever gone.

A collaboration: 2 for 1

the city streets are bursting with rhythm
insanity and pleasure mixed in a bonnet
the rapping of heels on asphalt stone, a constant irregular beat
drumming out the sound in the eardrums of whispers
winds begin to howl, screaming to the music
virgin eye have heard their demise
lights, a rebel trumpet breaks the rhythm, but only briefly
as if the seekers heard no thunder their dance continues
bushes dance, swaying in silent lawns
STOP! Scream the women but the roars are loud enough.
persistent drums and winds play, like no word was spoken
The drones of mankind continue their rant.
the city sleeps for no one

butterfly tattoo

Loaded gun in hand.
Bullets full of naked words.
She sells skin not sanctuary.

Bruises graze her back.
Butterfly tattoo stamped on her shoulder.
She guarantees fun.

Kicking inside her is her excuse.
Lying on her couch is her reason.
Gripping her bag she hoes it won't be necessary to scream.

Angst takes her hand.
Waiting without gum is horrid.
To the curb it is.
Just a pause in time.

Car after car passes.
Lone soldiers.
Some with innocents.
Finally a savior.
One kind face.

Streetlights will serenade her eyes.
His jaded eyes proved unkind.
Bullet holes line his roof.
It's a tear sweat galore.

His favorite point, her butterfly tattoo.
Painted blue wings with ease he'll peel off each wing.
Tied to to the rim her choices are slim.

A tear sweat galore.
All they found, her bracelet,
amniotic fluid.
Her body was unrecognizable.
Feet away.
Her butterfly tattoo missing.

Another misfortune unknown.

I got another confession to make, I'm your fool.

Ok so for those of you who know I am very in love with pigs. I saw this and immediately wanted one.

To All The Beauties in This Land

Ok I get it. Blake Lively and Taylor Momsen are gorgeous. Vanessa Hudgens is to die for but can we talk about someone you have the chance of meeting?
My hips aren't wide enough and my breasts are barely past six grade status. I've had gray hairs already. My teeth are crooked and I don't have enough freckles. I can't jog a mile in less than ten minutes. I get acne attacks from time to time and I scare my Family just as much as I scare myself.
I have all the imperfections of Picasso's paintings. And I'll never make ends meet with your ideal vision of a girl. But one day, along the majestic road of tragedy we call a life you will look back and say boy did that girl make me smile.

Where you going?
Home.
Well what about your kiss?
I don't want it.
But I want to. I want to kiss ya.
Ok.


-------
(David Morse)
Can I have my lightning bugs please?
Can I have my kiss please?


Hounddog
:)

We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

u havethe courage to leavenot like me

So my Loly Pop told me that she is proud of me.  That I have the courage to leave my hometown and my family to go off to college.
Scoff.
Funny this is my reply:


Jaja if you say it like that i sound awesome. But truth is I'm only running away. I don't want to deal with the problems at home. I'd rather go off somewhere and avoid the fact that I need help. You shouldn't be proud of me. You should be proud of you. You're amazing. :)

The sky is falling

Turning down Disney like counting to five.
Easy peasy.
Hurting the ones that give two shits in lullabies.
Check.
It seems chaos is breed 100%.
Each breath you breathe 100%.
Dropping A-bombs verbally.
Boom chaca boom.


You only need to turn down Disney to know something is wrong.
Overdose to sleep.

I have to admit

Tommy was super cute in last weeks episode.
"I'm not mad anymore."
Awww.


However no matter how cute someone can be it does not forgive their rudeness.
Stop being a jerk Tommy
jaja


:)

All wrapped in a bonnet

Sometimes I picture you dead.

If you were dead you'd be just another wasted carcass.

I wouldn't be unwillingly subjected to hearing your giggle.

Your false giggle.

The one given when trying to attract a suitor.

Your amplified groans.

Only heard when others are jolly.

Your horrific sighs.

Sometimes I even think we house a ghost.

These headphones muffle sounds but they remain unextinguished.

Bringing up your pain when talking about school.

Were we talking about a hernia?

Cutting down our blossoms and placing your weeds.

It's easier to hate something dead.

pit

I put myself there.

I chose to receive the hits. 

With prior knowledge I walked into this mosh pit. 

Knowing, understanding I would get hit.

A strike to my chest,

another to my gut

and lastly to my head.

They were giants.

veterans at least,

I was a newcomer,

at least I have been the past 15 times. 

Each time I walk in it's the same as the last.

The little sib.

If I strike an uppercut it's stupid, for I am small.

If They strike a jab, it's intelligent; for They are vets.

My uppercuts and I remain in the pit.

Their jabs and they're back in the crowd.

All giants out now.

Just the kids.

The pit closes in.

It's just me and two other young guns.

We cease the blows

but the hits keep coming,

from around.

All vets on deck.

A strike to the chest,

another to the gut

and lastly to my head.

Then the song ends.

We regroup.

The bruises are invisible to the giants..

They know what they've done,

but what can They say.

They are giants, veterans of the pit and I am

well just a kid.