Monologue: The Crash

They did everything right, right down to holding the door and making sure I was warm. Everything was just right, and I guess I blew it.

Maybe it was my lack of articulation in your language, maybe it was my dorkyness. Maybe it was the kiss...

...But at that moment, I knew you wouldn't call back. 

I heard it. I heard the collision and that's when I knew, I knew it was already over.

'Morning

the cold from the window sill creeps in and sits comfortably on my lap
the cars are entering through my window
the sounds of night are saying hello
They are my friend.
And they are haunting me.
They fit so perfectly but are taunting me.
Their existence is more infinite than mine.
They are no lullaby but they are sweet.

Nap Time

What's under the blankie?

Dexter! <3

He loves napping on me.

FreeWrite: Tweet

I'm on the twitter now. In case you want to follow me here is my username:
annieyayaa

-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: I Have Mold

Today I moved my bed and found mold. There was water too. I don't drink water.
SO I'm pretty paranoid for some reason. I have staring contests with the mold. I yell at it and blame it for stuff. I feel stupid but whatever.
Like seriously, where the hell did it come from?!?! I want to know!!!!
Stupid mold, ruined my day.

-ChesterYaYa

the boy and the cloud

and so the boy poked the cloud
he hoped it would move.
he jammed his finger into the cloud but nothing occurred.
even after he jammed his whole hand into the cloud
it did not move.
so he left.
after a day or two he returned.
the cloud had moved.
it was farther but it still was the same size.
he poked it again.
he continued poking it for hours.
then..POP
it shattered
but first there was rain
then there were flowers
sad, droopy flowers.
he didn't poke them,
he found another cloud and poked that instead.
every time, his finger was engulfed by a beautiful  crystallized cloud for seconds
 but it would be poked and jammed for days
poor little cloud
No one heard it scream.

Free Write: Uhoh

So I basically took five classes. Today I found out I failed two. Both were needed for my major and for my school requirements. Oh and one of them I was re-taking.
Woopsies.

-ChesterYaYa

Day Two

This is not good. All the signs are coming back. How could I let this happen again. I can sleep all day. I don't eat. I don't even get up to go to the bathroom. I just lay here and dream. I scream when it's scary. I hurt myself whenI'm hurting someone else.
It's all back. This isn't good.

-ChesterYaYa

Psuedo Convos

Me: Shit I need something for ***. Got any idea what he wants/needs?

BamBam: To get laid. Hahahaha. Idk honestly.

Me: I am not fucking ***.

BamBam: I didnt say you needed to. Is that my present? :D You can fuck me if you want. Hahaha.

Me: -_- That is so going on my blog. jjajajaja

BamBam: Hahahaha. Its funny bc you know im only partially kidding.

Free Write:Asadakjdshkjh

I am so nervous. I feel like I'm going to vomit. In exactly an hour I should be seated in my O-Chem class waiting for the moderators to hand me my final exam so I can fail. I am not ready. I am freaking out. I was doing so well in studying but even then, I could not catch up. I choose my health, once again over my studies, and that choice is going to bite me firmly in the ass. Half of me is tempted to just skip the final and stay here and read House of Leaves. But I won't. I'm marching in there. Doing as many problems as I can and BSing the rest. I am so nervous. I want to do good, just adequate but I'm going to do worse than adequate. Oh well. I'm just nervous. If I study any more about nomenclature and isomers I swear I am going to vomit. Reading is just making me feel worse.

"Oh I hope some miracle happens," says the dying atheist.

-ChesterYaYa

LEFT

This is me going left.
This is me realizing things have gone wrong and accepting it.
This is me accepting perhaps the worst thing a human can ever accept,
failure.
This is me staying awake until the morning, maybe 6AM and making sure I do not wake-up for class.
This is me watching shows and beautiful movies thus filling myself with morals and values easily taught in 40 or 120 minutes.
This is me staring at books filled to the brims with infinite material on stereoisomers, silent mutations and optimization.
This is me not understanding them but
being fascinated by the eloquent words found in books of fiction and leaves.
This is me baking and cooking to hide away the pain brought by the fails.
This is me going left.
This is me enjoying the things I am sure to have and then enjoying them some more.
This is me studying, pacing myself and listening to beautiful music.
This is me realizing the outcome having little effect and hopefully making sure it causes an effect.


I'm going left.

This was too awesome to NOT post

Free Write: Anx

I cannot stress this enough. I miss my brother. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I want to run back home and leave college behind because obviously it isn't working out. I want to fall asleep on my dad's big belly while he reads me some greek literature. I want my mom to hold my hand while my anxiety attacks go crazy. And from my brother? I'm not even sure. I just miss his presence. It's been so long since we've hung out that it feels like years. I want the old times. I want to have my brother teaching me how to skate. I want some tender moment with my brother, but that's hard.
I miss my family. I want them near me. I want them yelling at me, pushing me to be better. I want them nagging at me for leaving the light on. I want them complaining about my attitude. I want them near me.
And I for some reason I don't deserve to go home. I don't deserve their company. I've been lying to them since day one. Thing's aren't "ok". They aren't "alright".
Fuck I miss them so much.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: Go Left

I read somewhere that when nothing goes right, you should go left.
I'm going left.
-ChesterYaYa

To know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong.

This will be my response when confronted with a monster

Of course without the smoking part.

My home

As I sit, hearing you complain about the length of this song, I am comforted by the idea that somewhere, you do not exist.
That place is my home.
There I don't suffer from your intrusions.
The only thing that could possibly intrude, is a happy thought
or a butterfly.
That is my home,
and once you cease your rapping, I will escape to my home.

"Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not."
         -Brand New

Why I Hate My Birthday

Because things go wrong on my birthday.
Because everybody forgets my birthday.
Because those who do remember are "notified".
Because deep down I want to have a great birthday were all the people I care about come over to my house and bring me gifts and love, a birthday were I am not forgotten and were I can have fun, a birthday were people actually care about me and aren't just there to "kill time".
Because deep down I want to have a great day but my hopes are so high that they literally kill me.
I hate my birthday
and it's partially my fault.

not true

i love you
don't make me regret that
i trust you
don't make me change that
so when you come home leave the burdens at the door
leave the smell and kisses with the whore
drop off only what you left with
and if you plan to return with Xtras
don't even pass the front gate

Finally looks the way I wanted it to :] And was pretty yummy :]

Still Agree With This

I'm pretty surprised how amazingly smart a stupid person can be.

Pseudo!!!

Today my Pseudo brought me my late late b-day present. It was so awesome. I cried. He's such a great friend and one day I will hopefully be able to repay him.

Dad Text Convo

Me: It's beautiful morning!
Dad: It sure is. It is also Adam's song.
Me: I know! wake him with it for me. Love ya Dad!
Dad: I will certainly do it.

:] My Bro is going to hate me today, that's cool. Not like he's been trying to talk to me lately.
I love Dad :]

The QUEER SPACE

I'll never belong.
Behind the meetings and social gatherings,
behind the essence of unity,
I will never belong.
I don't belong.
I'm not queer enough.
No longer an ally,
I don't make sense.
I'm stuck, somewhere jammed
between the new and the old.
It's the forgotten.
Alone, among you, I fall.

T

I

M

B

E

R

But when among this space,

sometimes, I feel a part.

I'm a color that doesn't feel part of the spectrum.

I came in too late,

season two of the season ones.

I've lived in a cave too long.

No matter how much I help, how loud I am, how cute I am, 

 I will not belong

Miss Mad Wind a.k.a Me

 Grey. Hazy. A single rain drop, amongst the thousands whose journey begins between the dense, heavy clouds, lands on my forehead. The wind rustiling the leaves, moving the branches, almost as if the tree were waving. A sudden cool caress across my cheek and I smile. She is here I think. I look up and realize, Anni is nowhere to be found..... Where art thou Miss Mad Wind! lol....


 -Mister Walrus

My Priorities as of Right Now

1. Shows/Movies
2. Irvine Queers
3. School
4. Work
5. Friends

I think it is time to turn things around. Friends are at the bottom because I don't really talk to any of my friends. We are all busy. I honestly only talk to my roommate on a day to day basis. So if she isn't here I don't talk to anybody. Beyond the random text, that's about it.
School and work definitely needs to be bumped up and now The Vagina Monologues needs to be added, that is if I get a callback.
-ChesterYaYa

s c r a t c h

I keep scratching.
Something just tells me it's right, even though it probably isn't.
Even after the small red lines appear and form into bumps,
after the small dots begin to show up,
after the continuous itch,
I just feel it in my gut.
So I keep scratching. And eventually,
I forget about it. About it ever happening
but then,
when I'm in the bathroom and the time comes for me to wash my hands, I feel it all over.
The burn. I feel it and it hurts
and suddenly, I need to scratch again.

thank you friend

sadasjdsajd I cannot describe the happiness I feel every time I see this picture >_<

Flowers for Anni

I love receiving flowers but I always get sad with them. They're such beautiful beings and I have to watch them decay. :/

The idea of satisfaction makes me smile.
So let's do this now.

Free Write: Craving

It's been 3 months since I've smoked a cigarette. It was around this same time last year that I began to smoke. It's not like I was an avid smoker. I mean come on, from November till August I had only smoked six maybe seven. But now, right now I crave one so bad.
My anxiety has been through the roof and for some reason I've been feeling lonelier than ever.

It's such a gorgeous night. I feel like going for a walk. Taking a nap in the park. Laying down and looking up at the scary but beautiful night. And sometime during that adventure, a smoke.
I laugh at myself. Calling it a delicate state. I'm even having other food cravings. It's like I'm pregnant.

-ChesterYaYa

"But, of course, there is more at work here than just the courage to stand and focus. There is also the courage to face and shape the subject in an extremely original manner." 

             -House of Leaves

Why I keep watching Breaking Bad

He's just so amazing :]

Pen Pal

I want to write to someone. I'd like to try my cursive skills since I love writing that way. Email me for my address. :]
You'll get that by looking at my profile.

-ChesterYaYa

lo que falto

Aquí no hay ningún arco iris.

Solamente llueve, y llueve.

Las calles se llenan y la gente se queda en sus casitas.

La agua,

The water mixes with all the scum found on the streets. 

Y así se queda

Llueve y llueve y después de unos días la gente se olvidara del sol

Pero un día regresara el sol.

Y ese día,

solamente ese día causara una gran alteración.

Everyone will forget about the rain.

Y cada día después de ese día, nadie pensara en ese día en cual la lluvia lleno las calles.

No pensaran en ese día, cuando lo único que falto fue ese magnifico arco iris.

Free Write : An Ensemble on my Anniversary of Life

Damn these people for making me cry. I'm too emotional this week.
-ChesterYaYa

3:02 PM

It's always the same. Every year I always try to miss this day. I try to sleep the entire day off, but I never can. I always feel sad. Depression and anxiety hit me super hard this day.

-ChesterYaYa

"...she wants me to know her but I already do. People tell you who they are, but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be."

      -Don Draper (Mad Men) 

camita

 I love my bed. It's such a good friend. 

There when I need to relax, when I'm stressing out. 

It's there when I need warmth and consoling. I can always count on my bed.

No te quedes mirando con esa tentación.
Tus ojos dicen todo, pero deja que tus labios hablen.
Ellos quieren hablar,
yo quiero que hablen.
No lo aguanto. No quiero que me mires si esa sonrisa miente.
Dime con tu corazón, con tu mente la verdad.
No se que ha cambiado. Quizás yo.
Quizás tu.
Pero te quiero tanto, esto no puede existir sin la verdad.
Aunque tus palabras duelan, las necesito.
Me urge.

Free Write: Maybe Later

It's 4:55 in the morning. I danced from 9 until 1 with a few breaks. My dad is coming to visit at 11. I am tired and I should be sleeping, but I'm not. Maybe after I finish rolling around in my bed.

-ChesterYaYa

Truth

Amy: Why? Because I'm hot duh!

Brian: Wow, you're pretty full of yourself aren't you?

Amy: No. Look you got to believe you're worth something. I'm not going to be that person waiting around to hear someone say how amazing I am. I already know. Perhaps they don't, but if they want, in time they will. 

D E A D

Dead squirrel.
It just lays there.
It.
No name.  No sex.
Female? Male?
Oblivious.
No knowledge of what it was. What it could have been.
Just dead.

 A day or two ago a truck ran over the skimping squirrel.
People now only pass by it. Not caring of its carcass.
Bones show. Spine. Claws lost.
It's dead.
And we pass by it not knowing it exists.

Dorkasaurus Here

Sooooo...
take me to wonderland because you and me baby are nothing but mammals and the mirrors are gonna fog tonight. :]




If you know what I'm talking about then we deserve to be together.

Free Write: Sickly?

Seriously stomach. You decide to vomit right now? Do you not realize I have only tea in you. This is so not working out.
Stupid vomiting made me loose my rainbow heart sticker.

   And I just saw stars.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: Loss and Envy

Just a quick free write. I've been having trouble concentrating and I think the problem is because I haven't been able to "get this off my chest." So here it goes..

I share blood with someone. Said person is someone I love very much and who is probably the only person I know that really knows me. Sadly I feel myself being torn from him. I hardly get to spend time with him or even see him. I want to just be with said person but I can't. I'm being selfish but I can't help it. I don't want to hangout with everybody, just him. I really just want to hangout with him. Just me and him, like the old times.

And I know it isn't going to get better for me. He's in love and pretty soon he will leave. I won't ever get to see him. Ever.

But oh well, they say beggars can't be choosers. Hopefully I come to terms with that in time before he leaves.

I miss my brother. 

-ChesterYaYa

arrival at the gates

oh the happy feelings flooded in
when you passed my sunlit porch
oh such tenderness to see you again
to see your face and embrace you at ease
oh such happy feelings

Free Write: Truths

You keep forgetting that to me, just having alcohol isn't enough, it doesn't make me magically have fun.

          -ChesterYaYa

Dollhouse

this moment was priceless

Topher at his breaking point. This show should have never been canceled.

Favorite Monster of all time

optics and air

there's something majestic about the leaves
they move
they actually do sway
they have no music but the music of their own
and they're so precious
so fragile but mighty
they seem so powerful
to construct my brain with leaves would be a beauty
imagine that
leaves for brains

If you love me you'll get me this

chandlertherobot.com

Texting Dad

Me: Hey Dad! There's this man at work who kind of sounds like you and I keep expecting him to say, "Sssister."
Dad: What! It's an imposter.


I love my Dad. ;]

take on me

There's no need.
There's no need.
You already assumed.
I'll just sit here and pretend.
Fine by you? I'll just sit.
Never mind the truth. Never mind me.
I'm the new casualty to your society,
excuse me, our, society.
No need to ask me P.G.P.
No need to ask how I feel.
There's no need at all is there?
Just assume.
Conclusion after conclusion after con..wait..
Yeah that's right.
Straight until proven queer.

If you need any information regarding being an ally to trans individuals or being a trans-individual check out this tumblr.

http://irvinetransresources.tumblr.com/

As told by a friend

"You are rubbing all of these people all in the right places, but not in that way."

            -Jaziel :) 

reminisce

All my precious memories begin here.

Free Write: Misunderstandings

I hate misunderstandings. I fucking hate them. Right now I don't even want to talk to a friend. Yeah you. I don't even want to talk to you and it might even be my fault. I don't remember but even then those words were a cold stab. I'm aggravated and I feel the anxiety rising. I can't even concentrate. Yes, drama queen status.
Part of the reason is because I tried to dismiss the subject yet it was brought back. I just have this thing about body and desire. A couple of times people have seen me as an easy fuck when I've wanted to be more than that so those words hit me hard. Sorry.
Reasons why I can't be with you.  It's more like reason I can't last in a relationship. Fuck shitty ass reason.
I'm a time bomb. All the broken glass around me will cut you.
Excuse me mister/madamm.

-ChesterYaYa

Success

I yearn you.
I want you.
To come back and have you,

would be beautiful, if only,
for a moment.

I desire you.
Can't I have you?
For a day? For a week?
Those fleeting seconds aren't enough.
Please just stay for a day.

Is it not enough?
I weep over your pages. I learn your myths and meaningless trivia.
Is that not enough?
Just stay. One day. One day.

Give me piece of mind.

Because I love her voice :]

"And I hate that I let you down and I feel so bad about it.I guess karma comes back around 'cause now I'm the one that's hurting."      -Jessie J

Una mas

Y otra medicinita para que se paren los nervios y esos malditos pensamientos.
-ChesterYaYa

Free Write: Keep Me Up All Night

[Only read if you are fine with wasting precious moments of your life.]
This week was not my week. Today, was the plummet. My internet wasn't working when I really needed to send some emails for class. My Calculus Professor sent my anger to a new level. I was lost and confused in Biology. I did terrible in my Organic Chem quiz. Today has not been a good day.
I honestly feel like crying so that's why the music in my room is loud, just in case. I hate this fucking overwhelming feeling. My writing has lost whatever magic touch it had. I've been feeling sicker and sicker. I'm going home because I have a doc appointment tomorrow and I'm worried. I've never gone to the eye doctor and had him tell me my eyes are fine. I'm getting worse and worse. My fucking brain capability is so low. How the hell did I even get into this school. I'm going to have to leave Bio and I don't want to. I'm losing all hope. Every inch that was remained is drifting away. I feel like crawling into a hole. Just staying in fetal position for hours and waiting until someone comes to lie to me. Tell me I'll be fine. It's a lie. I'm freaking out and everything is perfectly fine. No one is dead. I have money and food and a shelter. I am receiving an education, well for now. I have people that love me but today that is not enough.

Mother, don't let me go

Will add the before later. :/

R E A L I T Y

I know I can walk away.

I know I don't want to, but it's the right thing.

Most of all, I know you won't fight for me or even ask me to stay.

Knowing you, you'll just watch me walk away.

So I ask. 

Can we go back? When you loved me just the same?

When pieces weren't shattered

When fragments were known to exist but had never been seen.

But wait, illusions make sense when they hover close. 

Skyline

So I just finished watching Skyline. Didn't think ti was great but I also didn't think it was terrible. All I really want to say is next time, can I be in a relationship with someone like Jarrod? That dude is just kickass.
-ChesterYaYa

I hate not being over you and wanting you so much more than before.
But most of all, I hate you not even trying. You don't deserve me. I know that much.
But I can't get over you. I'm on the merry-go round again.

N E E D

I need attention.
I need calls and hugs and texts and hangouts.
I need pointless hours of laying down and enjoying each other.
I need affection. I need spoiling.
I need care
but mostly I need attention.

Another of my obsessions. 

"Losing the possibility of something is the exact same thing as losing hope and without hope nothing can survive. "

    -Mrs. Truant (House of Leaves)

"Ok well the more perfect someone's life seems the more fucked up they probably are."
     -Lex (Forget Me Not)

W A N T

I want to hang my arms around your neck and rest my head on your shoulder
or have our body's meet and greet each other at the forehead.
I want to just lay with you, close my eyes and know that you and I belong together;
that you are mine and I am yours.
I want to have my hands travel across your body and map out each wrinkle, each freckle, each bump.
I want the whispers in the cars.
I want your hand in the movie.
I want your heart.

M E

• My teeth are crooked.
• I am a dork. :]
• I'm not the smartest person you will me.
• I'm not the stupidest person you will meet.
• I have freckles.
• I have one dimple.
• I understand that I am beautiful :]

   BUT given my flaws and my confidence that does not give you the right to objectify me. 

   NEVER objectify me or ANYONE. 

Video Blog

Coffee and House of Leaves is the way to go.

stir fry

no lloro con las cebollas.
Mi madre me enseño a nunca llorar,
ni para una persona, ni para una
maldita cebolla.

Las corta en pedazos largos, así
se doran y se ven maravillosas.
El ajo, me encanta.
Honestamente me encanta, pero
lo odio. Su olor se queda entre mis dedos, bajo mis uñas.
Como un jitomate, y allí esta el ajo.
Pinché metiche. Ni puedo disfrutar otra delicadeza
porque allí esta el ajo.

no lloro con las cebollas.
Mis ojos no se ponen rojos,
solamente me arden.
Pero la aguantó. Aguanto a la cebolla.

Hello Charlie: Letters From A Serial Killer

" 'Rage motivates murder,' he asserted. 'Most homicides are crimes of passion and the passion of anger. Sometimes it's specific. A man murders his cheating wife. A son kills his sadistic father. Sometimes, its more general. Everybody deserves to die. It's up to you to settle the score.' After I read that letter from Robert, I felt as if I had tapped into the full force of his grudge against the gods and man. There was no room for mercy in his world, no advantage to being kind and good. It was dog eat dog and he was determined to eat his share. "

     -Charlie Hess

diamantes

You are not a diamond in the rough.
You are just like other girls.
And he is no different from other boys.
Your dress style is not original.
Your face is a mix of hundreds before you.
You are not a diamonds in the rough.
We are all diamonds.
Each person you meet is the same as the last one.
We are all diamonds.
We shine differently, some in the light and
some, in the dark.
We each have a different cut; round, brilliant, fancy, etc.
Our proportions are different.
Our shine is different.
Our value is different but
we are all diamonds.

Monologue: Party 101

I can't get you off my mind...
Please tell me that's not right.

It's not just. Don't walk into my life.  Don't take my hand. Don't make me dance and let me go. Don't put your hands on my hips and move me.
Dancing means something to me. It may not mean the same to you, but it means something to me. 
You know that. Don't make me feel beautiful and unique and like I'm the only one.

I turned my head to see if I could catch your smile, your gaze...
There was somebody else there.

Free Write: Let's Do This

Hello!
I've decided something magical. Well not really magical but it sure is a great idea.
Lately, I've been trying to fix my grades, as in stop getting Cs and the occasional Ds. My only motivation or reason has been to leave this terrible, lonely, place. And, well that hasn't really been working out.
Today I realized that I should do it for my family. Mommas and my Dad have been helping me pay the rent and buy food. Dad helps me with rent. Mommas helps me with food. We've been going through a tough time and they still stretch out that helping hand so I came to a conclusion; I am going to get good grades for them. They honestly need to see that the product they are investing in is a good product.
I hate having to lie to my Dad about doing "alright" in classes. Even when I tell Mommas the truth I am filled with such remorse. BroBro was doing terrible in college and the only reason was that he was majoring in something he had no passion for. I love Biology yet, I can't seem to pass any class with a B. They keep telling me that I'm the "smart one" and I can't help but believe they are wrong. Therefore, today I decided something magical. I am kicking this final's ass. I am going to study so hard that my eyes will burn, my hands will have marks of blue and black pens and my sweaters will reek of books. I am doing this for them, my family who has helped me when I have needed it.
Wish me luck.

-ChesterYaYa

P.S. If you happen to be a Chemistry Genius, I want you near me. I need all the help I can get.

Free Write: M&A Convo

Mugroso: I drove drunk.
Apestosa: What?!?! Why were you drunk driving?!?!
Mugroso: Because, I was hungry and I wanted McDonalds.

I love this boy.

For A Lovely Lady (a friend of mine)

You're the flower no one picks. the flower others merely adore from a distance.
They watch cautiously as you grow, afraid to disturb your peace. Watch you bloom and grow thorns as protection. watch those thorns change from leaves to petals.
You are a delicate flower that scares them and makes them gaze in awe. The flower that many only wish they had in their garden.

Walks to Paradise

Sometimes, I close my eyes for a second and just begin to walk. I don't know where I'm going but I'm confident that my legs will get me to my destination and along the way I'll enjoy the view.
I like the wind.
I love it when it gently touches my face and I love those moments when it lifts me off the ground a few inches and I feel like a bird ready for take off.
I even like when it's cold, so cold that my nose turns red and my ears go numb.
Or the times it disappears and then returns with a force so great it could wipe out an entire nation, me being the nation.
I enjoy the sunlight.
I enjoy the way I can unknowingly walk amongst it's dangerous rays and feel no danger.
All I feel is its warmness. Its heat.
I like dirt after the first rainfall.
The smell of clean dirt, as if all impurities went down the gutter.
I like feeling the thorn stuck inside of my left shoe. I can feel it slowly create an imprint. White around the edges, red the spot that is receiving the pressure.
I'll go home. Take off my shoes, clean the cut created by that small thorn. I'll take a shower. Place some aloe vera on my shoulders. Tonight they may not hurt but tomorrow they will, they've received kisses from the sun.
Tomorrow I might get hit by the icy drops of rain but that'll be fine.
I'm alive and each pressure, each stumble, each boulder that gets in my way simply proves my existence.
I feel.
And I like it.

Awww. White Collar :)

Sarah: We actually have never been on a date.
Neil: Peter and Elizabeth's house?
Sarah: Dinner date not date-date.
Neil: Define date-date
Sarah: One on one
Neil: What about lunches?
Sarah: Lunch is not romantic, lunch is lunch.
Neil: We have never been on a real date.

They so cute >_<

Because I am a fan :)

Free Write: Last Night

Hello there,
First of all thank you to all of those who continue to read my stuff. I greatly appreciate it. Don't ever hesitate to give me feed back. If you hate a poem let me know. If you love it, let me know. Either way I grow.

Now, last night I dreamt of The Doctor, Rose, a dearly beloved, sex and cigarettes. All of which I can't have. Woopie.

-ChesterYaYa

Houdini

We're kings and queens.

Dutchess and dukes.

We ran through the field of poppies and enjoyed each carousel.

We saw the magic we had gathered in our hay baskets.

Our laughs and our smiles infiltrated every inch of our skin.

But then the guns arrived.

We were shooting.

The guns were loaded and the fog entered.

The carousel was still there, the laughs and the smiles remained

but everything was a blur.

A sweet juicy blur filled with gun shots and sweat.

The warning signs were there:

don't play with matches

don't play with guns.

but we are kings and queens and dukes and duchesses

we continued with our play.

The fog was still there, thick but we could see.

And then everything disappeared...

I couldn't find you...

-BANG-

Blood, on my shirt?

Next time let's not aim the gun at my heart.

Lesson learned. 

Phobia

I'm a book left unfinished;
Forgotten, reread at the wildest of time and then forgotten once again.
I'm a thought left unsaid;
Never heard and never continued.
I'm the end to the short lapse of a beginning.
I'm what brings you back every time but isn't needed.
I'm priceless yet no wants to claim this prize.
I'm the anxiety that creeps up on you when you can't remember a band name or an actor.
I'm the worthlessness you feel when you become the fly on the wall.
I'm all the worries you've ever had.
Let's start over.
This time breathe.
I'm still all those things,
but now you're alive.
Keep breathing.

He loves you?

Wait, why didn't he choose you?
Because, (sigh) nobody want to be with someone they just want to fuck. That's no fun.

From A Little Fool

I want to talk to you, but I realize that me talking to you isn't really talking to you. It's annoying you. I'm that one mosquito that continues to hove over the skin even after all the repellent has been wasted. So, I decide not to talk to you and wait...
still waiting.

f u c k y o u

Evacuate my brain.
Leave the wiring intact but evacuate.
It's not safe and you don't belong.
While you're at it evacuate my heart,
it seems you have taken residency there.

Soldier's Girl

I absolutely fell in love with this movie. I didn't cry during but after, after the blow.

So glad I finally got to watch this movie. Amazing acting. Troy Garity was amazing.

He may act like he wants a secretary, but most the time they're looking for something between a mother and a waitress. And the rest of the time well...

Rag doll

She was pretty.
She was a young lady from Mexico, grown into naivety.
So she believed him.
She believed him when he said he'd stop,
stop the drinking, stop the smoking, stop the hitting.
She believed him.
He continued but she believed that one day, he'd just quit.
One day he came home late.
He'd been sober the entire week, she thought this time, this time was different.
He was drunk.
She hid,
he found her.
He kissed her, he touched her, then he took her to bed, but she got away...
...not soon enough.
But as she was running away from him she felt his arm try to grab her.
He pulled something.
She limped into the bathroom, wedging herself behind the door.
She had heard a pop, a loud pop but she didn't know why.
Then she looked at her leg.
Her left leg now resembled her right,
but it wasn't polio this time.
It was limp, frail.
It hurt.
She was crying, maybe from the fright, maybe from the pain, she didn't know.
As she was panting she heard Him on the other side of the door.
"Sal, por favor. No te quise hacer daño. No fue mi intención. Sal por favor."
"No, me jalaste mi pierna. No la puedo mover."
"Sal, sal por favor. No te voy hacer nada. Te suplico, sal. Perdoname."
So she came out.
She believed him once again,
but once she was outside, he pulled her hair,
Dragged her to his bed and fucked her.
He didn't listen to her cries, her little fists beating on his side pleasing him to stop,
he didn't listen.
She was a rag doll now.
She was his rag doll.

Stats from a flier..

• In the U.S 1.3 women are raped every minutes. This means 78 rapes each hour, 1,872 rapes each day, 56,160 rapes each month and 683,280 rapes each year.
• Approximately 90% of rape survivors know their attacker.
• One in four college women are survivors of rape or attempted rape.
• 65% of attacks are unreported, making sexual assault the "silent epidemic." Sexual assault is the most drastically under-reported crime.
• 43% of college-aged men admitted to using coercive behavior to have sex (including ignoring a woman's protest, using physical aggression, and forcing intercourse).

 I found these in a flier, thought I'd share them.

Free Write: So Long Astoria

Today was my last night in San Diego. The day before, Thursday was great, really great. Saw some friends, actually had one friend come by and say adieu before I left. Had another come over and together we visited two of our high school teachers. I even saw a midnight movie, best part was that my crush came along. Today, Friday my brother asked if me and him were together. We were in a friend's car. I said no. It's the truth. Good thing I looked away when I answered. Looking down at my phone he didn't get to see my lip tremble or the small droplet forming in the corner of my eyes.
-ChesterYaYa

Tropy and Sickly Convo

Tropy: So whats goody with whos your boyfriend now a days? oo; just wondering?
Sickly: I have a boyfriend?! Who?! Jaja. I didnt even know.
Tropy: I always assume beauty ladies are taken haha, your no exception to that. Rolling single than. :x
Sickly: Aww jajaja why thank you!
Tropy: Lol, that sounds all stupid when i think about it. But im serious  though. ;x when do i get a chance to tap that. Haha
Sickly: Jajajajaja.
Tropy: Im jus saying, ;x no ones handlin ya. Might as well be me.
Sickly: Aww. That actually came out sweet.

[These are the convos  I have with Tropy. I always feel bad for not sharing that mutual affection. He'll find a great girl one day.]

Sonnet 130

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red ;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
  -Shakespeare

Three Generations.

There was a Toad, a Froglet and a Tadpole.
Together they shared blood and sometimes a home.
Over years Toad grew into a tadpole and Froglet was stuck.
As much as Froglet tried escaping from grasp of a froglet, 'twas impossible.
Tadpole grew older but,
one day Toad needed blood and blood came.
First was Froglet but left too soon,
then was Tadpole who never left.
Tadpole took care of Toad and Froglet.
But neither showed any sign of gratitude.
When angry Toad would turn into a goblin.
Goblin face and arms.
But when frightened he would cower into a gnome.
Froglet, stuck in the stage showed signs of froglet and tadpole and toad;
never really here, never really there.
Tadpole skipped the age of froglet.
His croak was beautiful, his riches were strength and kindness.
Oldest of the three, Tadpole saw Toad become a lump.
Sooner than expected Toad died and so did Tadpole'
his heart would beat but his croak ended.
Only Froglet remained intact, Tadpole was confined to his stump.
Froglet continued to drain Tadpole of the riches he held, his strength and kindness.
Then Froglet died and Tadpole was left alone.
Tadpole was alone, alone at last.
There was nothing left.
Froglet and Toad had left nothing for Tadpole,
so he died.

San Diego Pride <3

Free Write: Tell Me That It's Alright

I get scared quite often. Mostly at night, or anytime I'm left alone with my thoughts. I have to be constantly doing something. I read, watch movies, watch shows. Been avoiding writing since that's when I usually have those dark scary thoughts come up.
I'm different. I greatly fear death. I honestly do. Greatest fear. Once I start thinking about it I get his ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I end up vomiting. Sometimes I cry. See I can't be like the rest of you and simply accept death. I can't accept the truth of life.
It doesn't help to be an atheist. I wish I believed. It'd be so much more comforting to think of dying and going to a place where souls burn or a place where souls dance with glee but I can't believe in such foolishness. I don't mean to offend those who are "believers" and I'm sorry if I do.
I've been really scared lately. I go to sleep afraid I won't wake up.
 And so fa, each time I have I give that great sigh of relief. That breath of life.
I cry. I fear never seeing my Mother again. I fear her not waking up. I never want to have my brother or mother so far from me. I say "I love you" everyday on case I don't wake up.
I'm scared.
I have hate the face that each moment is lost. None can forever stay. None can be held. Just right now, the previous words I have typed, the action cannot be undone. I hate it. I hugged my Mother so much today. I didn't wan to loose the moment so I hugged her for minutes.
Lately I've been listening to music before going to bed. It keeps me from thinking about death. I have to keep doing something. Anything will do.
 -ChesterYaYa

Rape & Condoms

Creation of the Female Condom with Teeth

"It's also a form of "enslavement. The fears surrounding the victim, the act of wearing the condom in anticipation of being assaulted all represent enslavement that no woman should be subjected to."
  -Kajja

Eyeliner, rhinestones and sobriety

Free Write: The Summer Sorries and Day Two

Day Two:

My Dad didn't let me go out today and he made me come home by 11 last night. I understand his logic. He cares so he doesn't want me to be anywhere near danger therefore outside is a no no.
The situation with Granps isn't any better. Called my Brother and he seems better, not as stressed.
On the fourth I went out. That's the day I had to come back early. Something amazing happened that day. Someone who had hurt me said sorry. I think that's one of the greatest feelings I have ever felt. Whenever someone hurts you and they ask for your forgiveness or just simply say "sorry", they're acknowledging that fact that they have done wrong. Those few moments of "sorry" are so amazing. I really felt a sense of ease.
A lover came to see me today. It was nice. At times I think it could really work out between him and I but then I think it over and I know it's all an illusion. A nice illusion but an illusion nevertheless. Whenever he just randomly calls me to talk or randomly sends me texts messages I feel good. This little flurry of butterflies is felt in the pit of my body, like I said a nice illusion.
Writing will hopefully start again soon. I keep on having random bursts of inspiration. These little waves of words that seem to be perfectly strung together but they die out quickly or else I forget to write them down or type them.
Happy Day Day everyone.
 -ChesterYaYa

" Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative."

        -Billy (Skeet Ulrich; Scream)

Free Write: The DevoSeparation

Day One

I like it when my Mom goes away. I know that the situation between my Mom and Dad isn't good, so when she goes away for awhile it gives me the opportunity to see how life would be if I have to choose.
If everything goes well, which it won't, my parents will get a divorce. If I choose my Dad, it's going to be hell. If I choose my Mother, it's going to be depressing. Having days like these where so has to go away for certain reasons is nice. It's hard but I know the point of it.
So far Dad has already got on my nerves but so far no arguments which is good. Hopefully it stays like this until they get back.

-ChesterYaYa

An Interview with Harrison Ford

Q: Would you give the fedora over to Shia LaBeouf in the next Indiana Jones movie?

A: What are you talking about? It's mine. I would love to do another Indiana Jones movie. George Lucas is working on an idea now. Shia can get his own hat. I earned that hat.

I loved his answer :)

Late Nate Convos: The Duchess and the Friend

"everything we were, everything we did, all the struggles once faced, the love and family they one had, in the end. Become obsolete."
    -Friend

chaos in the nest

stick a cigarette in between these lips and walk away.
lie to me and bring me hope,
close my eyes and tell me I will breathe next morning.
make the fear of sleep disappear,
make the fear of being alive disappear.
create money for me.
fill every inch of space in this home with American Dollars
fill these eyes with knowledge and power.
stick a cigarette in my mouth and watch me blow
watch these ashes spin with the wind,
watch us all erode.
take this stub and give me another.
leave him alone, give the boy a break.
the fall of these pillars were not man made.
throw it away,
throw away the disease, each bottle, each pill
wipe out each pain

all these actions wanted
all but one feared.
disease to be human, curse to be born, damnation to live, gift to die

"It's far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring."

     -Carl Sagan

Free Write: First Concert of the Summer

The reason I enjoy summer is because I get to go watch some bands. I love concerts. Usually the only ones I attend during summer are the Del Mar 4 0'clock Friday shows but this time I actually went to something new.
I went to The House of Blues and watched Taking Back Sunday. Their openers were The New Regime, Colour Revolt and Thursday. I liked the Colour Revolt. They had this Pixies influenced vibe. Thursday was awesome, and I'm not even a huge Thursday fan. I don't really listen to Taking Back Sunday either >_<
Anywho, I really enjoyed watching Thursday. They seemed to be having so much fun out there. I definitely would love to see them again.
Overall, not my favorite show but I loved being able to dance around to the emo music :)
Best thing out of the concert was getting me to listen to Straylight Run again.
 -ChesterYaYa

"This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased."

   -Charles Dickens

Free Write: Bra shopping

WARNING! TooMuchInfo:
It's sad to say that my bra size can only be found in the little girl section :/

I accept my body. I honestly do. I just don't appreciate the fact that designers are too...narrow minded.  AND this doesn't just apply to me. Several girls don't fit into a distinct category. The fact that designers make clothing that is very cookie-cut, so to say, is very frustrating. Today I wanted to buy a bra and I couldn't find any pretty bras that I liked because they were all too big. I had to decide between either getting a bra too big that I liked or a bra that fit me and had Barney or sayings like GIRLS ROCK,BOYS DROOL or not buying any at all. I decided on the latter. The worst part is that so many girls are affected by this. They fear not being able to fit into these select sizes is judgement on their beauty. Why does a size have to measure our beauty? I proudly accept my body. Now designers you better start listening. So with that said I leave this image I stole off the interweb.

 -ChesterYaYa

 

I'm Sorry

I curse this ephemeral body.
This body that embraces a mind that shuts off once death appears. I curse this body for dying. 
I am worthless. Powerless.
Nothing can be done to cease this aging process, nothing can be done to become interminable. This mind will disappear.
I curse you for giving me the power to see, the power to hear, the power to taste and smell and change lives. 
I curse you for giving me wonders and then ripping them  from me. 
I curse you for providing fear an wonder, lack of knowledge and wisdom. 
I curse you Life. I curse you Creation for damming me.
I no sooner grow younger than the ducks in the pond.
I curse you Life.

monster in my blood

I'm in love with a monster.
A sly, nice, loveable monster.

He sleeps in this den,
Eats from these riches.
His pain is felt everyday,
The pain he caused;
the bruises, the laughs, the torments, the tears.
The blood,
They all echo in this cage.
With increasing age the beast inside seems to grow timid and weak
But we know better than to trust age.
The beast sleeps, that is all, but he is alive.

And we cry,
Cry in fear of what you have done and what you could do.

Aware of all your evil,
I still love you.

"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

          -Silent Bob (Clerks)

Free Write: There is a Stranger in my House

Today my ex-boyfriend/friend came over. He let me borrow a movie: Just Go With It.
It's funny how we can still joke around and not hate each other's guts. Even though my mom feels weird about it I honestly don't care too much about her worries or weird feelings. It's nice to know I can be civil with one of them. :)
I'm glad I'm still friends with him, I mean come on, I showed him the great Tarantino films.
Oh and I call him Stranger 'cause that's how we met, as strangers and we dubbed each other Stranger. I still call him that. It just feel right jaja
-ChesterYaYa

To everything from my school excluding I.Q. and a couple of humans

convo with a new friend

This convo regarded close friends and how difficult it can be to find them.

Me: Yeah...You'll find those friends.
Christian: haha i doubt it. ill find one for sure, but that would be love interest

                 i guess

                 ill find a friend

                who wil also be my lover

                haha

                all i need is one

Me: Those are the best!

       The ones tht are best friends and lovers.

       super awesome

       'cause you can fuck them!

       jajaja

 

[please excuse the incorrect grammar]

like a bullet through a flock of doves

aged eyes and cracked skins,
torn lips and bloody fire.
souls ripped apart from the very start,
but we try.
through piercing glances and heartless hellos we try.
past the deserts and the savannas,
the shade and the rain, all the glorious paths of this world,
we trod on.
hearts in hand
we look back but carry on
as bitter we may be our hearts still glow.
bruised and poked, our bodies carry on.
throw the insults, one of us will remain.
send us away.
condemn us.
but understand
an army of 50 bodies still remain in the heart of 1

Totally getting this for my future babies

my babies are going to be rockers :)

let's broaden our minds :)

black mascara and paintbrushes

and that's when something inside me snapped
i heard it pop
heard it crackle
heard it burst into five millions little pieces
after all of these falls I had finally been trampled on all over again
my hope vanished
all I wanted was to sleep and not wake up for weeks

you hurt me, again
and this time I didn't see it coming
you fooled me, i can't rely on someone, especially you

excuse me while I cry

Free Write: Mister

I really don't appreciate you ignoring me especially since you said you were going to help me. If you're busy it'd be much better if you just let me know, instead of having me in the dark.
-ChesterYaYa

Ciro the Great and Priscilla the Lovely

I love being abducted by them. I always have so much fun. With them I don't have to drink because I know either way I will enjoy my fucking time.
I can watch terrible movies with them and still enjoy their company.
-ChesterYaYa

"Let us move now from the practical how to the theoretical why: Why should we love our enemies? The first reason is fairly obvious. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence and toughness multiples toughness in a descending spiral of destruction."

           M.L.K Jr

Much Love&Respect

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13598607

bottom of a bottle

These pills were swallowed &
now each has escaped my hands &
jumped to the fiery pit.
Tea, crumpets &
sopa de conchitas will follow suit.
Bubbles &
bile accompany them all.

These pills disappear with the rest of the acidic solution.
The aches will return, each &
every one of them.
&
I will fall.
I will fall into my very own grave.

The tea will be alone &
the soup will be cold &
I will fade.

Excuse Me Sir

..I think I just coughed up my lung.

castaway

No worries.
I should have known this ship was bound to become a legendary tale.
Although my intentions were pure, yours remain an enigma.

I get caught in the riptide. Your riptide.

I may know the seas.
Know each wave, each cave, each cove
but your siren call gets me each time.

Knowing of the despair ahead, I tread on.
Your wisdom and cunning ways steer my vessel.
Your Godly smile attracts the faintest glow in my eyes.

My demise?
Well if that is what you want then I cannot deny the beautiful grace you give me tonight.